When I came out to my sister (DS) I asked her if she understood what I meant when I said I was submissive. She said “Oh sure I read 50 Shades of Grey. I know what it’s about.” I summoned all of my self control and managed to not roll my eyes, groan, laugh, or get angry. (Yes, I do deserve a medal. Thank you very much for realizing it.) When I came out to her I had recently been through a painful medical procedure for which she was present. DS said to me “What I don’t get is, what’s the difference? Why do you like the pain from Rick but not pain from [the test you had]?”
I have been thinking about this ever since. The obvious thing to say is that the test I had involved needles which are a hard limit but that would be a cop out because that has little to nothing to do with it. I could have told her about exchanges of power and energy. I could have told her about service. I could have told her about honoring You. I thought she had enough to digest and it is not only those things. There is something I cannot yet name.
My view of pain has changed since DS asked this question. You said to me at some point, and more than once if I’m not mistaken, that I will come to like the pain. I still stand steadfast in my assertion that I do not like/enjoy pain. Having said that, I can see myself changing. During Your last visit, You pushed my limits as You always have, as I hope You will always do. Your pushing combined with my new found willingness to surrender led to two pain related experiences. The No Pain Zone I achieved during the breast flogging on Impact Play Thursday and the White Outs during the Play event.
My curiosity for new experiences combined with my fascination of all things psychological has me wanting both of these things again and for longer periods of time. I know they are born of pain and I want them anyway. I am puzzled that my hesitation is not greater. I know what I will have to endure to get them back but for some reason this does not phase me. I am concerned that I am not bothered. Frankly I don’t know what to make of it.
Many times on this journey I have felt that there must be something wrong with me. That I must be warped in some way to need the things I do. I see the way I look at pain changing and it scares me. It again brings up this feeling that I am intrinsically wrong somehow. That on some fundamental level I am different and not in an acceptable way. This person I am frightens me. I love having her in my life but her ideas are intensely foreign sometimes; as if they must have come from someone else.
I do not question what I am. This life is no longer a choice for me. I am this life. I have never been this happy. And the word happy does not begin to describe it. I see the word “joy” appearing in my writings more and more often – even “joy” is sounding inadequate these days. DH asked me once what it would be like if I had to give it up. I told him I would if it made him happy but that it would, for me, be the equivalent of hacking off a limb. That I would never be whole again. This was asked weeks ago. My growth since then has been exponential. If I lost this now it would be like severing my spine. Yes, I could sustain life but that would be all I was doing, drawing breath and not much else.
Today I am grateful for: Growth potential
Today’s funny moment: Toying with the troll in chat