A couple of days ago, during the post mortem of our goodbye, I said that one of the things that made it so good was that I was tired of being treated as if I’m fragile. You did not treat me that way. You, of course, jumped all over the fragile comment. You made one of your famous notes and proceeded to make me nervous by saying “Remember you said that”… more than once, if I recall correctly. Those couple of lines of conversation have haunted me ever since. I’m not sure if you intended for me to be bothered or if you really did mean what you said. (You’re giggling, aren’t you?) I’m hoping journaling about what I meant will allow me to stop obsessing.
What I was saying is that, though I’m not into pain per se, I do crave/need the pleasure/pain contrast. I enjoy it more when the intensities are close to even. If they don’t balance, instead of being complimentary, the stronger of the two becomes an issue. If the pain is stronger it can obliterate the pleasure entirely. If the pleasure wins out for very long, it’s nice and everything but, in my mind, it slides the scale to kinky-vanilla instead of D/s. That really doesn’t work for me. (Not that I’m under any delusions that this is all about me.)
In summation, I’m only just beginning to discover my affection for pain. I didn’t mean that I want be beaten without thought. I meant that I need intensity from both sides of the spectrum. I trust you to know how much is enough.