Thoughts, obsession, and what if

I wonder if you know how often I think of you. It is not constant but it feels that way. The moment my mind is not active with one of the many things I need to accomplish, add to a list, or supervise, there you are. You are in my thoughts when I wake in the middle of the night. You are there before I open my eyes in the morning. You are by my side throughout the day – as I push myself just a little harder during exercise, feel the bite of your ring on my toe as I dance, shave just a bit more carefully while I shower, sing one of “Your” songs as I make dinner.

When laying down to sleep, you are with me. I run scenarios. I change variables and run scenarios again. I go to meet you in the city. Sometimes you meet me at the station, sometimes I go to you. Always, I submit. This is so often the scenario that keeps me awake, I wonder where my thoughts will go when it becomes reality. I suspect I will spend many a night reliving it. Taking it apart and putting it back together again – working out whether I did it “right”, whether I could have done it better, whether you were pleased or disappointed.

I know that our next step is for you to meet DH. I am agonizingly ambivalent about this happening in October. This month without you has affected me more than I expected. I am selfish. I want to meet you on my own so that we can be us. So I can touch you. So I can give voice to how I feel, if I am moved to do so. So I can hold your hand if you permit it. I want to meet you with DH so we can end this holding pattern. So I can stop thinking about the “what ifs”. So my check-in nights with DH will stop revolving around talking him off the ledge. So I can truly be Yours. I’m greedy. I want both of these scenarios. I want them now.

We have so little time, you and I, that I don’t want to sacrifice any of it to this critical step. I know we must. It will be brutal to see you and have no more contact than the briefest of hugs. To sit politely at a table with you. To choke down a meal and make small talk as if my world does not hinge on the outcome of that meeting. To shield DH from the depth of my emotions for you. To burn with everything I feel for you but display none of it. It will be a miracle of biblical proportions if I don’t spontaneously combust. I expect DH will be overly demonstrative in his affection for me. I expect he will mark his territory. I don’t want you to have to sit through that. I know if I don’t openly return his affections it will jeopardize his approval of you. I know it will bother you to see me interact with him. Yes, we are poly. We are also human.

I’m trying to view this with long-term goals in mind. I’m trying to tell myself that this is but one month in a lifetime of months. I’m trying to ignore the fact that it could conceivably be the last time I ever see you. I’m trying to pretend that DH’s disapproval is not even a possibility. I’m trying to think positive. I’m trying.

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