Mortality Part III

Please note: This entry was written when I was dealing with the possibility of having cancer. I have been to several doctors and have been given a clean bill of health.

I was up most of the night. Again, I wait. I feel as if I spend my life waiting. I laid awake visualizing my exam tomorrow. I desperately want to believe that she will palpate my breast and tell me that what I feel is not there. That would be best case. If I can’t have that then perhaps it wouldn’t be asking too much for her to say “Yes. I feel what you do but I’m pretty confident it’s not anything to be concerned about. Let’s get a mammogram to be sure.” I don’t really believe either of those are possible but I’m allowing a grain of hope.

To my One: I feel you. It is amazing to me that I felt you when I woke this morning. I knew you were back before I got your message because you were here with me once again. I didn’t anticipate you being back until at least this afternoon.

I’m worried about talking to you tomorrow. I know you’re going to push me about this. I fully expect you to command me to tell you. I”m tempted to leave my phone off. To avoid you. I’ve given that a great deal of thought. I’m tempted but I won’t. It would be topping. I won’t do that. If you command me I will tell you. I have at least kept you from worrying for this long. You do not want this information anymore than I want you to have it but you can’t know that until I tell you what’s going on. Unfortunately, once told it cannot be untold.

Once you know you will worry. Yes, even you. Pragmatic, logical you. You will say what I have heard from DH countless times in the past few days “We don’t know anything yet. It could be nothing.”  but still, you will worry. The good news is, because I did not write to tell you (as if anyone would put news like this is an email) you will only have to worry for 24 hours or so. I hope. You have had so much loss in your life. I don’t want to add to that.

I will be devastated if there is no encouragement to be found in tomorrow’s doctor visit. If she palpates and says not much of anything except “Let’s get you in for a mammogram.” I will know. I will have my fears confirmed and be back to waiting until test results are revealed.


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