We had a rough day today, you and I. Misunderstandings and frustration and grouchiness. It was not pretty. I’m exhausted but you requested a blog on the main point of the day and my mind being what it is, I didn’t want to sleep and lose my memories or the sharpness of the emotions.
You told me today that because of who I am in my life that my speech patterns are directive – that of a Top. You also told me I use these same patterns with you. I was devastated. I’m still greatly disturbed. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. My breath left my body as I heard the truth in your words. It was all I could do not to cry.
I wanted to hang up. I wanted to sit on my bed in self imposed exile. I wanted to deprive myself of your presence as punishment for my disrespect. I felt that I didn’t deserve you. You, being who you are, refused to allow me to withdraw. You forced me to look at what I had been doing, to examine how I was feeling, to figure out how to fix it.
What is so incredibly ironic about this whole situation is that one of my favorite things to hear you say is understand me? For something so similar to come out of my mouth and be so injurious has me shaking my head.
I’m still not certain how to go about fixing this. My primary concern is that I most often use those phrases is when I’m feeling passionate about something. During those times I am focused on illustrating my point. I don’t know that I will be aware enough to stop myself. I’m hoping the horror I felt when I realized what I had been doing will prevent future occurrences.
I know that you say I’ve done nothing wrong. I know you say there is no need to apologize. I also know you understand I will beat myself up about this all the more because you were so patient with me. I am apologizing again for the disrespect I showed you, regardless of the lack of intent. I will work very hard to change this behavior as quickly and consistently as I can. I hope I don’t need help. I hope you’ll help if I do.