Enough

You said something last night that got me thinking. You were sharing a little anecdote about how close you came to not meeting your mate – to being with someone else.

I think of this every now and again with regard to you and I. I think about how, when I started on this path, that I was not looking for another. It was my intent to become my complete self with my husband. I actively spurned any advance that did not fit with this model.

I struggled with his development. I offered information and resources. I was the Queen of Communication. Is this what you want? Are you certain that you aren’t doing this just because I want to? This won’t work unless you want it, too. How is the book I suggested? Do you have any questions? I journaled about our play. I journaled with links that I thought he might find helpful.

We talked. My god, did we talk. I was happy with all the talk. I believed it would facilitate our growth. I found munches for us to attend but we never went. There was always a “valid” reason for the things that didn’t happen.

Now, some months later, I think about how my life has progressed. How I now have this amazing man who allows me to be all that I am, my complete self. How I now have a man in my life for whom I would do just about anything. My devotion to him is unwavering. I love him deeply. I cannot imagine my life without him. He is my One.

As you and I make plans for our lives together, discussing the activities that we will do for each other, I sometimes regret that I am not making these plans with my husband. I know that poly is a significant challenge for him. I know DH is bothered that I will be playing with another.

I reflect on this once in a while. DH could have had this naked devotion that I’m giving to you. I could have been his completely. With very little effort on his part he could have been what I need. He could have had this. For whatever reason he didn’t want it.

He has asked me Why am I suddenly not enough? I have to wonder why I am not enough. I am so much not enough that he would rather see me with another than try.

Thank you. Thank you for recognizing the value in who I am and what I offer. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy, special, and cherished.

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