You floored me last night. You suggested I might be thinking about no longer being with you.

We have been through so many near misses. It frightens me how close we have come to losing each other and how often it has happened. I tell myself this is how it is; the push and pull of a new relationship. Make no mistake, it is new, though I feel as if you have been with me for years.

Each and every time I have nearly lost you because of some random thing that has come to light, I have gotten a preview of how it would feel. I know only that it is unbearable. My body may go on living but my heart and spirit will not. I will be a dried husk of a person pantomiming my way through life.

I wear your collar. The collar you locked on my neck means so much to me. It is the closest I will ever come to wearing a wedding ring from you. The gravity of its significance is the same as a band of gold. If you believe that something as minor as sharing our experience with your mate would cause me to leave you, perhaps you do not grasp the level of my commitment to you. Yes, it caught me off guard. Yes, it hurt. No, I will not, can not, leave you.

We are joined – entwined – at the soul. You are the embodiment of hope. You saved me. You know me. You love me for all of who I am. We feed each other as no one else on the planet can. When I feel that there is something very wrong with me because of what I need to be happy, you are there beside me, with me, in it, enjoying yourself just as much as I am. We are safe and warm, side by side, snuggled together under the blanket of our shared proclivities.

Leave you? Decide I no longer want to be with you? Can I decide I no longer need the breath in my lungs? The blood in my veins? The marrow in my bones?


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