I have been ruminating, cogitating, considering, contemplating the many posts on Fet written by or about masochists. Joining these thoughts are the memories I have of enduring for you.
I had hoped that I would find some enjoyment in what you need. Yes, I wanted to accept pain as part of my service to you. I was also hoping I would find some long-buried masochist within myself. It didn’t happen. There is no masochist within. Every second of it from beginning to end just plain hurt. True, there were degrees of pain. Not all of it was on par with the crop to my inner thigh or the final strokes of flogging that had me calling yellow.
I saw an amateur video of a young sub being whipped with a single tail. She was standing, unrestrained in her kitchen doorway being whipped by a man who obviously had experience. He varied the pace and strength of his strokes. Every so often she would fall to her knees and take thirty seconds or so to sob and collect herself before standing back up to take more. This went on for some ten minutes or so: whip, collapse, sob, whip, collapse, sob. After several repetitions of this, she added I’m not done, I’m not done, I’m not done to her rotation, this said in the fetal position, on the floor, while sobbing.
I will never be that girl. I will endure as much as I can, and possibly a bit more than I believed I could, because it is what you need. Because it makes you happy. Because it is part of my service. I will never beg for more, not even tacitly by saying I’m not done. If I am on the floor sobbing, I can assure you I am done.
I wonder does this make me less-than or more-than. I can, of course, easily see the less-than argument. Real subs like pain. They don’t just stand there and take it. Real subs want the evil, sting-y implements of torture. They are not wishing for a rift in the space / time continuum to swallow that damned riding crop. Real subs are not scared, frightened or flat out terrified seeing a table full of pain inducing toys.
By this logic, does it make me more-than because it is so phenomenally difficult for me and I do it anyway? Am I more-than because I grind my teeth to stop their fear induced chatter? More-than because I think to myself One more minute, just one more minute and he’ll stop. Oh shit! He’s not done. He needs this. I will not safe word. I won’t do it Son of a bitch I can’t believe how much that hurts I’m going to have to safe word No no NO I WON’T 30 more seconds I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do 30 more Is he happy Have I done enough Son of a Bitch!!! oh shit oh shit ohshit ohshit ohshitohshitohshit YELLOW!!! Does this make me more or less?
Am I more-than? Am I less-than? Am I enough?