I have been fixated on the depth of my feelings for you. I have pondered our inexplicable connection. I have been puzzled by the arousal that being vulnerable with/for you generates. I have looked back on things I have told you that I have shared with no one else, ever. I have lost track of how many times I have said oh I’ll just tell you … when confronted with something uncomfortable that I’d rather not reveal.
Then, today, I watched the video; a discussion on vulnerability. The click I heard, as everything fell into place, was deafening. I sat in stunned silence. I get it now. I understand this relationship with you. You do not just allow vulnerability, you encourage it, you coerce it. Though I still struggle, I want to tell you everything – every. thing. You make it safe somehow. You sense when I’m pulling back and you don’t allow it. By wrenching vulnerability from my control you are deepening our connection.
You allow me to feel worthy. I not only feel cherished but I believe I actually am. My thoughts have turned from I will never be enough to Maybe I actually am enough. I have said to you that others do not/ will not see me as you do. I have this idea that the depth of your love for me has blinded you to who I really am and what I actually look like. I question now if that makes a difference. If you see me that way, you who are my One, what does it matter how anyone else on the planet sees me? Furthermore, is there some reason I should not use you as a mirror and see myself as you do?
You are, perhaps, the most honest person I know. You do not say things because you believe they are what I want to hear. I find myself becoming more willing to listen to your view of me. You proving to me that I am Alpha made it much more challenging to categorize your observations as flattery or “being nice”. I do not slam the door shut on things resembling compliments as quickly as I used to. I no longer say thank you every time because it’s what you want and then dismiss what you’ve said out of hand. Now I think about it. Now I turn it over and look at it carefully. Now I think Hmp, really? Is that true? Maybe I should give that some thought. I will often, after careful examination, still disagree and discard, but I’m contemplating first. I cautiously consider that growth.