Soo … today was fun. Thank you for making the drive. Thank you for being here. Thank you for all of the yummy-licious leather. I adore the pants and, surprisingly, I rather like the hat.
That aside, in the very brief time we had today, I saw something that might become an issue. I’m not sure how to prevent this so I’ll do my thing here and, knowing you, you already have a solution.
When you were abusing my feet today, you asked me what I wanted. I gave you the unadulterated truth. I wanted you to stop. You then asked if I was safewording. I wasn’t. We did that a couple of times. You asked what I wanted and I told you. You were having fun. Though I did not hear you giggle – kudos for that by the way, because I’m sure you wanted to – I know you were enjoying yourself.
These things we do, they are not for me. They are for you. Yes, knowing that I’m giving you what you need makes me very happy. I do it for you. Because I love you. Because you deserve it. Because I can. Because we are meant. Because it brings you pure joy.
I have said to you on more than one occasion “I’m not a parrot.” If you ask me what I want then I will tell you. If I am in pain, I will tell you that I want you to stop whatever pain causing thing you are doing. In my mind this is akin to you asking me if I want more and when I reply in the negative, doing it anyway. Same thing. What I want has almost no bearing on the progression of play.
We both know I have difficulty with pain. We both know you enjoy causing me pain. I enjoy pleasing you but I do not enjoy pain. These two things happen to be linked. I understand what I signed on for.
I will not safeword if I believe I can tolerate more. More of whatever it is you are doing. Today, one more solid whack and I probably would have called yellow. I want you to be happy. Safewording, in this particular instance, would have meant stopping your happy-time. I will not do that unless I absolutely have to.
Do I want the pain to stop? Yes, always, unequivocally. Do I want you to love me up instead? Sure, you betcha. Will I safeword to get what I want? Not even maybe. That is not who I am. That is not why I’m with you. That is not what we are about. I know you will meet my needs in your time, not mine.
I also don’t think confusion about safewords is a good place to be. If I am holding a postition you have requested of me, shaking, gritting my teeth, barely keeping it together, I’m not safewording. If you ask me what I want, then I will tell you, unless directed otherwise. If I’m not saying yellow or red then I’m not safewording.
I don’t want you to become frustrated with me but I also can’t start hedging when you ask me what I want. I think you need to know where I am mentally/physically and if I’m hedging, you won’t have that information. I don’t know what the answer is here.