Today was quite a day. I didn’t even take off my clothes. It’s a bit ridiculous really that something with that much impact could have happened so quickly. I’m sitting here watching the blinking cursor trying to decide how to write about what happened. Just thinking about putting it in writing has me shaking and my heart pounding – again.
OK so let’s dissect this a bit. I firmly believe the bondage had nothing to do with it. I adore bondage. Prior to the panic, I was having a wonderful, crotch drenching time. I would like to take this opportunity to ask the following rhetorical: My, god, Man! Where did you learn to kiss? I could eat you with a spoon. I digress.
I love you. I am in love with you. I plan on being with you for the rest of my life. I do trust you, in spite of what today might have looked like. I believe if you had talked to me about what you were going to do before you did it, things would have happened differently. Yes, I would still have been scared but it would not have caught me off guard. I could have reasoned my way through it. I know you enjoy the element of surprise. Perhaps not the best idea in things as edgy as this.
You said you expected that reaction from the hood. I did not panic with the hood because we talked about it extensively. I knew what to expect, as much as I could without actually having done it. You were careful. You detailed what we would do and in what order. This groundwork allowed me to function – to handle it cerebrally. Talking about it took the huge, scary thing and made it manageable.
This thing about trust and whether I fear you, it rankles. I do trust you. I only fear you when you are yelling, and that actually has little to do with you. So what do we do with this then?
This is the second time you’ve engaged in this type of play with me. It was terrifying both times, albeit briefly the first. The fact that this has happened twice now says to me that it is something highly desirable to you. We both know how I feel about you having what you want – what makes you happy. If you need this from me, and it seems like you do, I would be willing to work on it with you. Even now when I still can’t think about it without shaking, I want to try it again, while I’m expecting it, to see if I can handle it. I do understand that part of the fun for you is taking me by surprise. I think I can be ok with that approach if we work on it a few times when I do know what you’re up to. I’m certain it will still scare the bejeezus out of me when you surprise me with it. I am equally certain I will still loathe it but, perhaps with preparation, it will not induce raw terror.
I need you to have everything you want. I may not always be able to provide it but I would like to be able to try.