I’ve been kicking around our afternoon’s conversation. I’m not sure exactly what I said that affected you so deeply. I hope the tears were happy. I’m guessing from your comments afterword that they were. I have replayed what was said over and over. I don’t want to lose the memory before I fully understand what happened.
I do not recall saying anything to you that I’ve not already said previously in any number of ways. I wish I knew what I said differently today. Today, I felt, for the first time, that you believe me when I say I trust you with my life, when I say that I belong to you. I also heard today that there is something going on within you when I tell you that I love you. I’m not sure what it is. I got the impression that you don’t believe me or you don’t feel worthy or you cannot believe your luck. I wish I had asked but I felt you were emotionally vulnerable and I didn’t want to push you. It hurts beyond measure that you would be uncertain of my love regardless of the reason.
We also spoke today of fear – your fear of losing me to another/others. I believe I’m battling the past. I recognize that you cannot know what I feel for you because you do not reside in my body. I wish you could. If you could feel this, there would be no doubt in your heart. You would be certain that convenience, proximity and/or frequency cannot replace you. This fear of yours does not follow our basic rule. In our first and most basic rule play comes LAST. Master, it is not what we do, remember?
I am in love with You. What we do is all kinds of fun, sure. I love doing it. With You. <—- see those words? WITH YOU. Am I curious about other styles of play? Sure. I think fire play looks cool (pun intended). Do I want to merrily flit off to try it out? Absolutely not.
The things I do with you, I would not do with anyone else. Do you believe I would allow anyone else to cause me pain? I accept pain from you because it allows me to honor you. I endure the pain you give as a service to you. I allow you to push my limits because I want to grow for you. Do you see this? For. You. ONLY for you.
You and I have an inexplicable connection. You said so today – We should not already be where we are. It should take at least another six months and more likely, a year. I have waited for you. Our spirits have married. You nourish my soul. You, you and you. No one else. You. Not some guy the next town over who thinks his sense play is the height of the D/s experience. You. Not the munch group 45 minutes down the road who conspire to have me for themselves. YOU. Please see this.
You have heard, many times, the pain in my voice when I think of living without you. Think about that. When you are jealous or worried that someone “in my back yard” will take me, hear that anguish. I belong to you. I am Yours, for the rest of my life or until You dismiss me. Either way the choice to leave will not be mine.