You stood behind me in front of the mirror, watching. Topless in my leather pants and boots, my hair slicked back, Your hands on my body. You commanded me to look or suffer the consequences. I could see the desire on Your face, as naked as my breasts.
I looked at my reflection, wanting desperately to see what you do. I saw puffy circles under my eyes that no amount of makeup can ever cover and no amount of rest will erase. I saw loose skin under my chin from the weight loss that now, because of my age, will never go away. With my hair slicked back I saw the forehead I have always tried to hide. I saw my current body side by side with the memory of my 20-year-old body. I saw the age.Time has not been kind. I have worked to lose a full third of my body weight and still I find this body lacking. I cannot exercise away my age.
Again, I looked at Your face and saw desire. I felt unworthy of it. You asked if I thought You were attempting to humiliate me. No, I don’t believe You would. You know I’ve had enough of that in my life. I understand what You meant for me to see. I know it hurts You that I do not see it.
You have gotten me to a place where I can acknowledge there are those who find me attractive when I am clothed. I believe a large percentage of that number would disappear if I were seen less than fully dressed. I’m sure You remember how anxious I was about disrobing for You. It is still a mystery to me how You can look at me and see something I do not. Perhaps someday You will lend me the lens You peer through so that I might see.
Today I am grateful for: generosity
Today’s funny moment: “No. I do NOT want to see. And don’t go showing anyone else either!”