Topping

I am at a loss. Twice now You have, because of something I said when expressing how I feel, stated that I’m topping from the bottom.

In both of these cases, I was expressing genuine concern or emotion. In neither case was I speaking with the intention of provoking/preventing an action.The first time You spoke of topping, I thought perhaps it was situational. I thought perhaps I said something in a specific context that made it appear that I was topping. Because I could not remember the specific situation, I said nothing about it.

Today, however, I was fully present. I was wondering aloud if a specific chain of events could be repeated – not because I was topping – only because these events had never happened before. Ever. I was wondering if what happened was an anomaly. I was pondering if they happened because they took place in the extreme environment of The Trial. That’s all. I was not thinking Hmm, maybe if I tell Him that I doubt it will happen again, He’ll do it just to prove it will. That is not who I am. I am fully cognizant that You run this show. I’ve seen Your job and I don’t want it.

You have stated that You enjoy learning me. To learn me You need information from me. You do not read minds nor do I. I would like to talk with You about this. I’m no longer certain that You want me to volunteer what I’m thinking/feeling. I thought You did. Maybe You want me to wait until You’ve asked. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong here.

It’s possible I don’t understand the concept of topping. I was under the impression topping was saying or doing something with the intent of influencing one’s D-type and/or directing play. You would not be influenced/directed by me even if I wanted You to be. As I said, I’m at a loss.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………
Today I am grateful for: Ice
Today’s funny moment: “Mom, does my butt smell?”

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2 thoughts on “Topping

  1. I think you have explained yourself very well here. It is thinking out loud. Not trying to be manipulative or influential. Communication is vital and you are doing an excellent job of it.

    • Thanks, SoG. Communication is vital and remains a daily challenge. Master and I are becoming adept at relating to each other on every level. We still have moments of difficulty. I imagine we always will, as will anyone.

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