I have been staring at this blinking cursor for ten minutes now. I don’t know what to say. They say when one has writer’s block to just start writing and something will come. That’s what I’m hoping for.
I’m sorry I woke You today. Having LM home for all of this time has been hard on me. There is more snow due at the end of the week. I’m crabby. I need DH to stop offering me junk food because I’m crabby. I need the house to be clean for more than five minutes after I’ve cleaned it. I need space. You are my space. You are my freedom to be who I need to be. I’m working on not needing You. I remember when I used to be self-sufficient. You have made me an Us. You’ve made me a We in a way I never have been before.
We have both said on multiple occasions that together We are whole. It is not just something I say. I feel this deeply. I didn’t know who I was before I met You. This scares me. The way I am affected when I haven’t talked to You over the course of a day scares me. You nourish me without even knowing You are doing it. You feed my mind daily. Thank you for all the times You’ve told me how to build the clock. That first one and all the others brought to you by war.
Thank the gods for google. Without it I would not know what cashews look like when they are growing, We would not be well versed in the harvesting of silk, my vocabulary would not be enriched, We would not know the origin of the phrase “like it or lump it”. You do this for me. I am no longer starving intellectually. I hope I give You at least a fraction of that in return.
Thank you. Thank you for being who You are. Thank you for being the You that You are with me. Thank you for allowing me to be who I am and loving me for it – for all of it. I have never been this happy.
…………………………. Today I am grateful for: You Today’s funny moment: “This I like. I can better enjoy the scenery on the way to work without the constant risk of dying a fiery vehicular death.”
I am in the process of compiling a playlist of music with kinky lyrics. I have listed below what I have thus far. I would be interested in additions from INA readers.
Note: I have not included the song, and I am being generous by calling it a “song” – Control by NIN. I am aware the lyrics are very well suited but I do not listen to anything where lyrics cannot be understood.
I’m tired of constant negotiations for time.
I’m tired of arguing for a few additional hours when what I really need is days.
I’m tired of asking for permission to be happy.
I’m tired of having my bliss rationed.
I’m tired of having to explain every single need.
I’m tired of waging tactical warfare to get my needs met.
I’m tired of defending my needs.
I’m tired of arbitrary, micromanaging, edicts.
I’m tired of always wanting.
I’m tired of not being allowed to want.
I’m tired of not being understood.
I’m tired of the egg shells.
I’m tired of explaining that I’m not a whore.
I’m tired of explaining that I’m not cheating.
I’m tired of explaining that it’s not abuse.
I’m tired of explaining consent.
I’m tired of being a source of shame.
I’m tired of being an embarrassment.
I’m tired of being looked at like I’m sick.
I’m tired of my pleasure being his pain.
I’m tired of staying quiet.
I’m tired of this closet.
I’m tired of the soccer mom.
I’m tired of being So Fucking Tired.
I saw a pic today of a girl who had writing on her body. All sorts of insulting and humiliating things were written on her skin. I don’t know how she endured it. It is appalling to me, this submissive graffiti. I found myself thinking about adding this act to my hard limits. Then I realized, we have talked about this at least once. It is an impossibility.
Not only do I not want this writing on my skin but I actively shrink from the idea …. yet … knowing I could not give it to You, even if it were something You needed, bothered me. Then I started thinking about the things We cannot have/do because of Our unique situation and I found myself in a Junk Food spiral once again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days that I’m so negative. The past week has felt like a sub drop roller coaster.
Because of the coaster, I noticed a pattern that I exhibit. When I am sad, the very first thing to go is my water intake. I drop it cold for Pepsi. Lots and lots of Pepsi. The second thing to go is exercise. I then stay in my yoga pants unless leaving the house forces me to change. Then I stop being careful about what I eat. Then I actively seek out foods that are bad for me – preferably in substantial quantity. I am still shaking my head over how badly I wanted to consume a pound of bacon simply because there was no other junk food in the house.
So today I exercised. Though I did not manage to get the Pepsi monkey off my back, I also did not sit down with LMs cookies. I ate a measured quantity of pistachios instead. I had a smaller portion for dinner. Mischief managed.
Now that I have identified this pattern of behaviors I’m going to be very careful. I will keep an eye out for it. I will watch for the early signs and be mindful. I am also going to look for triggers. I’d really rather not have another week like this one. Spotting what triggers this cycle and preventing it will be better than attempting to interrupt the cycle after it begins.
……………………….. Today I am grateful for: Self awareness Today’s funny moment: “It’s just so FLUFFY!!”