3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
How do I know? When I read this question it made me blink a couple of times. I get the feeling that being asked this question is akin to someone asking a homosexual how they knew they were gay. I just know. I have had this discussion in one form or another with more than one person since my return to the lifestyle. I will reiterate it here for posterity, as they say.
Pre bdsm I knew something was off. Intimacy was never quite right. Yes, sure it was fine but something was missing. That is said in hindsight by the way. I did not know at that time that anything was wrong. I thought it was just me. I thought it was how I was. I was one of those for whom intimacy was not a big deal. I was one of those who chose the domineering boyfriends/husbands because I made bad choices. I did not know I was searching.
In my 20s, in the days before google, when it was rare to have an email address – and if you did it ended in @aol.com – my then best friend, D and I spent many a Friday night reading “The Backroom” personal ads of the weekly paper. We found them titillating and laughed over the “perverts” often. (“Who is O? And how on earth did she get so many friends? Where is this Roissy?) Yeah, I know. We were young and didn’t know much of anything.
D was far more adventurous than I and had a “Bad things only happen to other people” attitude. She answered one of The Backroom ads and met a man in a hotel room. We didn’t know anything about safe calls, in fact I didn’t even know she was meeting someone until it had already happened. Embarrassed, she had told no one. Miraculously, she came back no worse for the wear and with an incredible tale of what had taken place.
She spoke of bondage. She spoke of spanking. She spoke of paddling. She spoke of rough sex. I listened to her on the edge of my seat. I can still remember the light bulb that went on. It’s a wonder the entire city wasn’t blinded by it, as bright as it was. I thought Oh my god! That’s IT! That’s what I need! And fast on the heels of that Oh no, there is something very wrong with me.
I went looking. Back then it was not everywhere. There was no 50 Shades introducing scandalized G’ma’s to what it is that we do. It was all hush hush. There were BDSM chat rooms on AOL but they were cloaked in secrecy and it was all very click-ish. I fumbled around. I started asking potential boyfriends if they owned handcuffs. Long story short – I knew what I was, what I needed, before I knew what it was called.
As for how I feel when I express my submission: Now … now that I have found my One … it is nearly indescribable. I have exactly what I need. When I’m at His feet, no matter where we are, I am home. We went to a public play event recently and I submitted at His feet more than once. Prior to the event, I thought about how I would feel submitting in public. I thought I might be humiliated or embarrassed. It wasn’t like that at all. He and I were together with another of our poly group and we were … present, doing what we do. I did not think twice about being at His feet. It is where I belong after all. We were being our authentic selves. I was lost in the moment(s) with my Master. There were many times I wasn’t aware of anyone but Him, being His and being what He needed. I am finally whole and happy. Finally. It was worth the wait.
Today I am grateful for: Naps
Today’s funny moment: Not applicable … unless laundry is funny … Is laundry funny? Because there was lots and lots of laundry