Compersion

Compersion: An empathetic state of happiness experienced when watching another individual experience happiness and joy in a relationship with a third. (adapted from The Polyamory Society Glossary)

Today was difficult. I wanted to help Prius. She is new and seemingly genuine. My heart goes out to her as she fumbles her way around in the dark, searching, not even sure what she is looking for. You warned me. I do not remember the words you used. You essentially said she could be trouble because she is what you look for. It hurt. You have not spoken of looking for a long time.

As our conversation with her progressed, I saw more of myself in her. She is me when I was new and unsure. Prius is bright and incredibly young. A lost girl in need of a guide. Just your thing really. I watched as you won her over. I watched as you spoke with her the way you did me when you were reeling me in. I felt “less than” knowing that this was not something you did with me because of who I am, but is instead, something you do with any Potential. That hurt too.

I know that she will fall in love with you as I did, if she has not already. At minimum she has a crush of python proportions. In spite of everything we disclosed today about our situation, I do not see her being dissuaded. I watched her today as she said less and less to me. The conversation shifted from being almost entirely between she and I, to a conversation where I was an annoying piece of furniture to be talked around. That also hurt.

I’m not sure what you gained from my presence. I’m not sure why you told me to stay when pain had me wanting to leave you to it. I told you I was jealous. You made me sit in it until my skin blistered and oozed with green venom.

Did you feel you needed to prove to me that you can have anyone you want? I already know this. Did you feel you needed to prove that any girl who speaks with you for a concentrated length of time falls in love with you? I know that too. I have told you this when you come to me perplexed by this phenomenon as it occurs over and over again.

I know who you are. I know you feed on New Relationship Energy. You seek it out calling it friendship. I understand this. I signed on for it. I need you to be happy. Your happiness feeds me. It appears you need more in your life than you have. If that is the case then, please, find what/who you need. You have my support.

I cannot stand by your side and watch, dare I say help, you acquire someone new. I will be over here when you need me, as I have been from our first and will be until my last. I want you to enjoy Prius if she is what you need. I just can’t watch it happen. I’m not strong enough.

………………………………………………………………………………

Today I am grateful for: Reality checks
Today’s funny moment: LMs embarrassed but preening with his new haircut. “Mom, how do I look?” This said knowing full well he’s a handsome little thing.

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4 thoughts on “Compersion

  1. Your posts have been so sad as of late…I wish I could help…I wish I could send you a hug and a listening ear over the blogoshere….I do hope you are able to work through your feelings.

    • Thank you for your kind thoughts. Most of what you see on INA seems negative because I have a persistent fear of never being enough. Master assures me that I am all He has been waiting for. The negativity is almost always me misinterpreting and internalizing.

      This post in particular was me being completely off base. I often write when I am raw and hurting. This was one of those times. All is well.

  2. Reading through your post, before your comment, I was feeling wow, I would feel this way too. Raw and hurt indeed. Then I read your comment about you being completely off base and misinterpreting. And I was so relieved…all is well, yay!

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