Exhaustion

I’m tired of constant negotiations for time.
I’m tired of arguing for a few additional hours when what I really need is days.
I’m tired of asking for permission to be happy.
I’m tired of having my bliss rationed.

I’m tired of having to explain every single need.
I’m tired of waging tactical warfare to get my needs met.
I’m tired of defending my needs.
I’m tired of arbitrary, micromanaging, edicts.

I’m tired of always wanting.
I’m tired of not being allowed to want.
I’m tired of not being understood.
I’m tired of the egg shells.

I’m tired of explaining that I’m not a whore.
I’m tired of explaining that I’m not cheating.
I’m tired of explaining that it’s not abuse.
I’m tired of explaining consent.

I’m tired of being a source of shame.
I’m tired of being an embarrassment.
I’m tired of being looked at like I’m sick.
I’m tired of my pleasure being his pain.

I’m tired of staying quiet.
I’m tired of this closet.
I’m tired of the soccer mom.
I’m tired of being So Fucking Tired.

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7 thoughts on “Exhaustion

  1. Despite what the story books and your sunday school teacher told you, welcome to life. What you have expressed here is the very reason that we strive so hard to find something to dull the pain – gambling, drink, smoke, sex, hoarding and so on. Every addiction starts as a pushback against the pain before it gets out of control. I don’t have advice. It’s probable that none would help. I hope you find the other side of it all soon. Be.

    • This is the flip side of the ecstasy that some of us are fortunate enough to experience. The anger/frustration I was experiencing led to a pity party. I rarely indulge in such things as they are counter productive. In this case anger and frustration were joined by a feeling of helplessness and I was down for the count.

  2. Oh how i can relate to this writing today. Thank you for sharing this as it is really resonating with me because i am in the same place today. i really value your writings and you sharing them. Thank you for putting into words what i can’t find the courage to say.

    • You are quite welcome, angela. Sometimes in our darkest moments nothing helps more than knowing we are not alone. Though it does not change the circumstances, knowing others have been there and come out stronger for it can be the push we need to persevere.

      I’m sorry you are walking through your own period of darkness. I’ll will be thinking of you and sending you light.

  3. This post inspired me to write today’s post. The highs and the lows are all part of the experiences but we always need to keep our wits about us. For most this is a fantasy life but for some of us this is just, well who we are. It is not a lifestyle, it is just life.

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