I was sitting in my customary location at practice this evening. I brought a book and was making a conscious effort not to make eye contact with anyone. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to read quietly for a bit.

I saw a pair of legs in my field of vision. I waited for them to walk away. They didn’t. I looked up and saw a gentleman I did not recognize. He asked if the seat next to me on the bleachers was taken. To be fair it was a crowded practice. There really weren’t very many places to sit. I replied that it was free and he sat. I went back to my book.

He wanted to chat, this man whom I’d never seen before. I was extremely annoyed. I did not want to expend the significant effort it takes for me to talk to someone I don’t know. Small talk is intensely difficult for me. All I wanted was quiet. He was having none of it.

We chatted about the athlete that he came with and about events connected to the team that were happening in the area. He hinted that he wanted my email address. I pretended not to hear. He introduced himself and apologized for talking so much. A short time later, DH came in.

DH and I greeted each other as we always do. We sat and I assisted him with his brace. Fred, his name turned out to be, looked over at the two of us and said “Do you mind if I ask how you two stay together?” I blinked once or twice and said “Intent. You must both make the decision to be together. You have to take the option of NOT being together off the table.” He thought about this for a moment or two and thanked me profusely.

At this point DH started in with where he would be if I was not in his life and how I changed his path. Fred looked at him and held up a hand in cessation. “I understand your point of view. I wanted to hear it from her.” The two of them, one on either side of me, began talking about DH’s injury and how it occurred and progressed from there to proper weight lifting technique. Fred looked at me and said “Don’t mind us. This is man-talk.” I’m sure you know how that was received.

Zero to sixty. That’s how. I looked at DH and said “He did NOT just say that to me” DH came to my defense and told Fred of my weight loss. Fred looked at me and began a lengthy conversation about how I did it and what made me do it and how could he get his lady to do it. He went on to ask me for all sorts of advice about all sorts of things and all I could think was For pity’s sake …even here I’m an alpha.

Today I’m grateful for: patience
Today’s funny moment: “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom!”
Training: 1.5 hours
Water: 16oz
Corset: am 26.5, pm 24

10 Difficult Things

In no particular order:

  1. The Trial
  2. Gags in general – especially the Jennings Gag
  3. Using the rest room in Your presence
  4. The Plug bench mark
  5. Round Three at the Play Party
  6. Forcing verbalization during sexcapade calls
  7. Any conversation that includes “What else are you?” or “Say it”
  8. Going to any event by myself, especially new ones
  9. Event Logs
  10. Water requirement


I am sorry. I will be saying those words often. I didn’t realize. Thank you for sharing Your rules with me.

I feel unreasonably selfish. I wish I had known what You do for me. Again, I’m sorry. You ask many difficult things from me. I have been vocal about my dislike of some. That can’t be fun for You. I will work very hard to stop complaining. You know by now what things I’m really struggling with and what things are difficult but manageable.

You asked me today if the plug is really that painful. I felt like such a horses ass. The answer to that question is no. It is distinctly uncomfortable most of the time. Yes, after a duration it does become quite painful. (As it was today when I asked to remove it.) What You are currently asking from me on a daily basis is not painful, I don’t like it, but it is not painful. This aspect of training bothers me moderately physically and I’m beginning to think there is a significant emotional component that I’ve yet to work out. I am angry with myself that I’ve been making such a big deal of it. I’m going to work on that. Again, I’m sorry.

I am also now wondering if our sexcapade calls are a good idea. I love them. Now, knowing what I know, they seem grossly unfair to You and horrifically selfish on my part. I’m trying to remember they are not something I instigated. They are something You began and continue pretty often. I have to believe that if You didn’t enjoy it, we wouldn’t still be doing it. I will be asking about this. I’m carrying guilt with all the fun I’ve been having. Not cool, what I’ve been getting to do when You have to do what You do. Not cool. At all and painfully selfish on my part. I’m sorry.

Today I am grateful for: Love and patience
Today’s funny moment: “Make a cat sound” … “Meow” … “Whoa Mom!”
Training: 3 hours – Medium
Water: 16oz
Corset measurement: Eve 24.5″

Dynamic observations

Last night I watched a scene between a Dom and sub. She was bound by the wrists against the chain spider web. The Dom was using various impact toys on her. She was engaging in what can only be described as goading. The sub did everything but stick out her tongue at him. More than once she gave the Dom a look that boldly stated “Is that all you’ve got?” A half an hour or so into their scene she looked at him and said “I’ve still got sass. You’re gonna have to beat it out of me.” All of this while she complained rather loudly that he was being mean and that he should be using “thuddy” because he should know she hates “stingy”.

I was flummoxed as she continued to goad him verbally and physically. To be fair they were both having a good time. They were both laughing and it all seemed in good fun. I had to walk away.

I caught up with them later as the evening was winding down.  Several of us were chatting about nothing and everything. The sub looked at me and said “I saw your face when I pushed forward at him.”, meaning her Dom. During the scene I had been watching, the sub flung her body forward into one of the blows that the Dom had been winding up for. She was restrained by the wrists and was drawn up short, leaning forward into him, roughly six inches from his face.

This led to a discussion that was more of a sub circle really while the boys looked on. The girls talked about pain and whether we enjoyed it and to what extent. I shared my feelings and that I do what I do for You as a service because You deserve it. This earned a “whoa” from a gentleman whose name I do not know, followed by a quiet “wow”. None of this is what I’m writing about, however. This is just the lead in.

We eventually came back around to the sub’s taunting of her Dom. I shared that I could not imagine being that way with You. That You and I laugh much but never during impact play. Another sub said that I look like I’m concentrating very hard when You and I play and that I take some “serious stuff”. I agreed and said that it’s hard work and that You are worth it.

I stated that I could not imagine laughing at those times. That I could not imagine what Your reaction would be if I did. The taunting sub took this to mean I thought that her behavior was “wrong”. I was careful to correct that assumption. I told her there is no right or wrong way. There is what works in each dynamic.

Mentally, I was stuck on this idea of laughing with You during impact play and how that would work, if it were even possible. Would this be something you would welcome? Would I feel that it lessens this part of my service to You? Would You feel I wasn’t taking You seriously?  Would You take it as a challenge to wipe the smile off my face?

I don’t really know. I can’t imagine it. This is one of the things I love about watching public play. It opens my thoughts to things never considered. Whether they are things I want to do myself or just things I want to think about makes no difference. I enjoy the holding the dynamics of others beside Ours. Comparing and contrasting. Thinking.

Today I am grateful for: stability
Today’s funny moment: ChinaTown
Training: Fifteen minutes
Water: 16oz


I had a few things to do today with the storm coming and LM very likely to be home at least tomorrow, if not tomorrow and Friday. I got home from running errands and realized the change in routine also meant I had not yet trained for the day. I had a fleeting thought of skipping it and decided against it for many reasons, first and foremost You are trusting me to honor my commitment to do this thing. That was really the only reason I needed. The others were superfluous.

I was annoyed. I didn’t feel like it. I was grouchy because of the possibility of school snow days. I was having a pity party because of the strong likelihood that I will not see You Saturday as planned. It was clear to me that all of this negativity would not be conducive to making things easier.

I plopped down in front of fet looking for a video that would move my thoughts in another direction. I had learned earlier this week that arousal makes a huge difference. I thought I’d give it a shot. I watched a short clip. It was less than 10 minutes and nothing special, barely even kinky. It had been enough to neutralize my negative attitude. I heard You in my head “Get to it, K.”

I went and got the plug, applied lube and inserted. Then the oddest thing happened. I got wet. I frowned and thought Hang on. What just happened?. I reached down and was, in fact, quite wet. I was still for a moment, digesting this bit of information. Curious, I took it out and put it back in and then … I did it again. My mind screamed BAD IDEA! No solo orgasms! Stop it! Stop it, right now before this gets out of hand!

I did stop. I did not however stick with my original plan. I had intended to hang out in bed for an hour catching up on some Tivo. I decided that would be a terribly bad idea. I got dressed and belted my pants tightly, to ward off wandering fingers, and went downstairs to get some things accomplished.

It often annoys me when You are proven right, though I am no longer surprised when it happens.

Today I am grateful for: Distractions
Today’s funny moment: Zombies causing a population decline in SimCity
Training: Two hours