Negativity

You asked if I spent some time cussing You out during the plug benchmark. You have said things to me of this ilk before. I don’t know how to help You recognize that I do not think that way about You.

There was all sorts of negative talk in the wee hours when I was drowning in pain. None of it directed toward You. “He thinks I can handle this. What is wrong with me that I can’t do this one little thing? … This shouldn’t be this hard. … What is the problem? Why can’t I give Him this?…  He hasn’t called, there must be something wrong with my tolerance that I’m having such a hard time. … This is absurd. He deserves someone stronger. Someone who wouldn’t whine about such a minor thing.”

I do not direct negative energy toward You. Ever. I’m not saying this won’t change. I’m not saying that someday You won’t truly piss me off. I am saying that, to date, I do not and have not felt that way toward You.

I have immense respect for You. I trust You implicitly. If there is something difficult going on with Us I assume that I am the one who caused it. My thought is almost always “What have I done this time?”

A perfect example: When you called me before going out yesterday and You were angry(?) I sat in disbelief. I had endured this thing for You. I had done my absolute best and still You were experiencing some sort of negative feeling toward me. I did not for one minute think “What is His problem? Does he not see what I went through?”. Nothing like that went through my head. I thought “In spite of what I endured, I have done something wrong. Is He going to tell me or am I going to have to try to figure it out so I don’t do it again?”

I love You. I want only the best for You. What kind of life mate would I be if I spewed bad juju at You, even in thought? People who love and respect each other don’t do those things. I strive to be a source of positive energy for You. To be a soft place to land. To be a welcoming environment that You seek out when You need rest or rejuvenation. That is where my thoughts are.

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