You said a thing to me today in an effort to wind me up. That thing did not accomplish Your goal. What I did not tell You, was that I already was reeling from many of the other things You said.
You frightened me today. You asked repeatedly about Our vacation adventures and whether I was sure it was what I wanted. You kept rephrasing. You offered alternative scenarios. You asked again. I did not hear anything different than what occurred during The Trial until You mentioned that hard limit. You often talk about the wheels falling off. They did not just fall off. The cart went clear off the side of the cliff with the image You presented.
All of the simultaneous electro play You talked about is frightening. The idea that You will allow “an assistant”, someone who is not You, to play with me has me feeling indescribably vulnerable. The fact that what You choose to do with me will be witnessed by anyone who cares to observe is more than I can wrap my head around. I am scared.
You did say one thing today that offered comfort. You said that I would be hooded and would not have a sense of setting or who might be watching. I like that idea. This works for me. Then … then you said a thing that hurt. The more I think about it the more it hurts. You said you would keep me hooded as often as possible because You want it and because it will make things easier on Your mate.
I have no desire to hurt Your mate. I also have no desire to do all the work/planning/logistics to spend time with You and then be an anonymous toy, who could be anyone, for four days. It hurts me deeply that You would rather be with an object than with me. It will give me great joy to serve You, to be an object for You for nearly the entire time if that pleases You. It will be crushing not to spend at least a bit of time with You as Master and slave.
I offer these thoughts only for Your consideration. I am Your property to be used as You desire. I understand this is part of the package that is Master/slave. Every time You ask me if I wish to serve You I feel as if You are questioning my commitment to You. My commitment is unwavering. I am human. I have fears and uncertainty of self. I have given myself to You. We belong. I do not doubt that You are my One. I have not and will not deny You what You need to be joyful regardless of my comfort level.
Today I am grateful for: Robitussin
Today’s funny moment: “titties”
Training: -on hold-