Thinking and thoughts

I am truculent. This has been established. I argue. I debate. I question. When something is difficult for me, I need to know the “whys”. Having the “whys” does not make the thing any easier, however, it will often give me an understanding, a way to endure. Even if the “why” is “Because I own you”. I recognize this is the D-type equivalent of “Because I said so”, still it is an answer of sorts and lets me know that the topic is not open for further discussion.

I have been asking more than usual lately because You have been pushing extraordinarily hard. I am often fried to the point that “why” is the only thought that remains. Today when You were putting words in my mouth and having me repeat them over and over, Why do You keep making me do this? You know how hard it is for me! kept running through my head. More than once I had to stop myself from saying I did! I just said it! Put the hammer away and let me concentrate or this is never going to happen!

I know You do very little (and perhaps, nothing at all) without reason. I also know that in my position it is not necessarily my place to know the reason You command any of the things You do.

When we were discussing plugging today, I think You may have felt that I was challenging You or saying I wouldn’t do this thing. Neither of those things are true. The simple fact is, it is extremely difficult for me. It has been from the start. I have never denied You this thing that brings You so much pleasure, nor would I. It helps me to talk about logistics and “what ifs” and “will it ever get easier” and those types of things.

I’m not challenging You, I’m using my intellect in an attempt to cope. Sometimes additional information can help me get to the place I need to be. Sometimes it makes no difference at all. I know who is in charge. I know You could very easily say “Because I own you” and that would be the end of it. I appreciate that You take the time to discuss the difficult with me. Thank You.

………………..
Today I am grateful for: Tissues
Today’s funny moment: Realizing that not only does arousal matter but that it makes a significant difference in plug tolerance.
Training: 1.75 hours (conservatively estimated – because of today’s organic process)
Water: 22 oz.

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2 thoughts on “Thinking and thoughts

  1. Sometimes knowing the “whys” make it better to deal with. Like you said, even if the answer is because I said so. (Well, in certain regards.)

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