Because of You

Today was difficult for multiple reasons. Thank you for spending the afternoon with me. I would still have gone tonight but it would have been markedly harder. I wanted You with me.

I would not have been able to get myself back together today if it had not been for You. There are no words for how much You mean to me. Your support is invaluable. Thank you for giving me a place to belong.

Today I am grateful for: Structure
Today’s funny moment: Watching a Dom, in nothing but his undershorts, do a rapid tip toe down the hall to the rest room, whispering “cold feet, cold feet, cold feet” the entire way.
Training: 1 hour
Weight: 122
Temp: 98
Water: 16 oz
Corset: am 26″ , pm 26″

Negotiations and progress

Well, it’s Tuesday. It’s check-in night. DH worked a 14 hour day. I was going to pass on check-in because of his over-time. When he came home in a good mood I figured what the heck. I’ll update him on the logistical insanity that is the weekend of the 19th.

With my date book in front of me, I laid it all out. The maybes, the if > thens, the I’m not sures, the I don’t really knows, the we’ll have to sees, the this is all subject to change. I did not ask. I informed. Even with all of the uncertainty, the most amazing thing happened … DH worked WITH me. He rearranged a portion of his schedule to accommodate my plans!

There was no stress. None. My weekend of the 19th is essentially clear to do with as You and Your mate and I please. This includes leaving for the event Saturday afternoon and  dinner, if You choose, and then the Play Party. I’m beyond shocked. I, of course, thanked DH multiple times. DH shrugged it off as if it were not anything to be surprised about. As if we had not gone head-to-head for every minute of time that I’ve requested outside the home for the last six months.

I cannot help but feel a miracle has taken place. I am nothing short of astonished.

Today I am grateful for: Motrin
Today’s funny moment: “I always thought if I was going to be enslaved, it would be by a race of alien overlords from another planet, not by some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.”
Training: 2 hours 15 minutes
Water: 18 oz

Pain still sucks

You have had me wondering if You were right about me and pain. After today’s visit to the sadist (dentist), I can assure You I have no fondness for pain, whatsoever. Needles remain on my hard limits.

I’m most annoyed that doctor’s orders prevented me from training and tight-lacing. Light duty sucks almost as much as pain. The doctor advised me I can resume all normal activities tomorrow, and so I shall. I will also be making up today’s missed time. I’ll not have a blip on my health radar setting my training back.

I would like to apologize for any pressure You may have felt when I inquired about Your visit. I was only running mental plans, nothing more. I revel in whatever time You can comfortably give me, no matter the duration. I am fully cognizant that making the trip up here is taxing in many different ways. I’m sorry if I seemed unappreciative. Thank you for all of the time and effort You expend because of me.

Today I am grateful for: Motrin
Today’s funny moment: Lemon Pledge the Chihuahua
Water: 16 oz

Fifty-eight pounds

I spent a lot of years being ashamed of my body. I felt that pregnancy had relocated some of my assets and my self-destructive junk food addiction had damaged everything else. I was burying my misery under the weight of my fat.

Over the last year, I have transformed, physically and emotionally. I am blissful now. I have a life now. I am at a healthy weight now. I know who I am now. I am not hiding now.

So what the fuck is up with the body shaming?? Last year I felt I was being judged because I was too big. I have done some of this to others. I admit it freely. Though I have never said anything aloud, inside I have said things like “just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it”. I said some of these same things to myself. I stopped wearing body conscious clothes because I didn’t think anyone needed to be subjected to what I looked like.

Now a year later, I have decided to be happy. I have decided to allow myself to be who I am. I spent nine months of the last year busting my ass to lose almost sixty pounds. Six. Zero. I have only recently begun to accept the body that I unearthed. Because of my beloved Master, I had begun to feel pretty, sexy, attractive.

Today in the space of a few hours, I allowed an asshat to rob me of nearly all of my newly-gained self confidence  Tonight, I spent the better part of an hour googling things like BMI Calculator, How much should I weigh?, and Am I too thin? All because of this idiot who possesses no filter.

My BMI is exactly where it should be. I can lose another five pounds, should I want to, and still be in the appropriate height / weight ratio. I am not too thin. So fuck you asshat. I am not yours. I will never be yours. I was owned before you ever laid eyes on me. If that is what motivated you to be an douche canoe of epic magnitude, then you need to get over it.

I will not waste any more time on you. I will not give you any more than manners and decorum. I will give you the time of day only if you ask. I want desperately to demean you in a public setting. I want to belittle you. I want to make you feel insecure. I want to make you question your self worth. I want to do these things at an intellectual level that you are incapable of understanding. I have no doubt I could do all of this and more.

You, asshat, should be grateful. You will be spared my not-insignificant wrath. I will not expend any energy on you. You are unworthy of it. I will not expend energy on you because my actions are a reflection of my group as a whole. I will not risk damaging the group because of you. I’m done with you.

From now on, you are someone to be endured. Nothing more.

Today I am grateful for: modern transportation
Today’s funny moment: I laughed much today. Because of You.
Training: 90 minutes
Water: 16 oz
Corset: am 25″, – pm