50/50

The last two days have been difficult. Equal parts fun and emotionally challenging. Thank you.

Last night was horrid. Thank You for pushing me. As difficult as it was, I feel less alone because You share in the knowledge of my past. I did not want to talk about it. I still don’t want to talk about it. I will. I will with You. As often as You wish. I’m sure it will become easier. It will never be easy but it has to get better. It just has to.

I need to be clear about something. I do not use tears as manipulation. I never have. I do not like to cry when I am distressed. Crying at those times makes it more difficult for me to maintain control. It makes me feel fragile and exposed. I expend great effort to keep the tears at bay. I’m not always successful. It pisses me off when I fail.

I also believe You somehow thought I wasn’t going to tell You what You wanted to know. Master, I do not intentionally keep anything from You. My silence when You brought this up was not contemplation about whether or not to say the words. I was figuring out how I was going to break the seal on memories I had never spoken about to anyone. I was gathering my nerve. That’s all.

Aside from the pain of reliving specific instances, each of the experiences as a whole are major regrets. I view these things as a source of great shame and personal failure.

……………………………………..
Today I am grateful for: sleep
Today’s funny moment: “I’m given to believe there is a city in Nevada where One can go to forget about these types of problems. One can then replace them with an alternative set of problems like gambling addiction, alcoholism and sexually transmitted diseases.”
Training:
One hour (small)
Water: 16oz
Corset: am 27″, pm 25″

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