I have been thinking about kneeling. About how right it feels. About how I cannot get enough of it. About how I’m annoyed that my body places limitations on how much of it I can do.
I have three occurrences in mind from Your visit. Though there may have been more, these three, they were different. Special. Unique somehow.
- The night I was kneeling at the end of the Play Party. I was there. Quiet. Still. You were being social, showing off Your toys, chatting with other D-types and I was kneeling in the middle of it. I watched You wordlessly, present in the moment, proud to be owned. No one spoke to me. I was not acknowledged. I feel as if I should find that fact insulting – I didn’t and I don’t. It felt good, right, proper that I should be there, Yours for You to speak to … or not.
- On my knees before You as You stood in Our room. Not fully kneeling but fully submissive. You allowed me to wrap my arms around Your legs. There are no words for how much I enjoyed those moments. You told me to kiss You. There was no question what You meant. You caught me off guard. I was in a very happy place and I felt as if I had been yanked back a few yards by the neck – still happy but on the edge of it. In the doorway of the room marked Elation instead of in the middle of the room. I complied. You allowed me to keep my arms around Your legs. You kept me grounded. Thank you.
- You sat on the corner of the bed and I knelt between Your knees. (ohdeargod I love kneeling between Your knees.) There is something indescribable about kneeling in submission while being that close to You. It is perfectly intimate. Though I was not touching You, I could still feel Your radiant heat against my bare arms. As I knelt there You asked things of me that were exceptionally challenging mentally. I remember hesitating. I also remember that I felt intensely vulnerable and that the hesitation felt pointless. After the things, You used that word. That word that I have come to simultaneously dislike and wish for: “Recover”. I wait for this word because I have learned You use it when You recognize that I have done something emotionally/physically challenging/painful. In this way it is much like “good girl”. It feels the same. I dislike it because I have also learned that, though You know I have done a difficult thing, there will be no down time, that We are pushing through. Sometimes I really need a few minutes and when I hear “Recover” I know I will not have them.
Today I am grateful for: smooth procedures
Today’s funny moment: “I am a man of science not someone’s snuggle bunny!”
Training: 90 minutes
Corset: not worn