Fifty-eight pounds

I spent a lot of years being ashamed of my body. I felt that pregnancy had relocated some of my assets and my self-destructive junk food addiction had damaged everything else. I was burying my misery under the weight of my fat.

Over the last year, I have transformed, physically and emotionally. I am blissful now. I have a life now. I am at a healthy weight now. I know who I am now. I am not hiding now.

So what the fuck is up with the body shaming?? Last year I felt I was being judged because I was too big. I have done some of this to others. I admit it freely. Though I have never said anything aloud, inside I have said things like “just because it comes in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it”. I said some of these same things to myself. I stopped wearing body conscious clothes because I didn’t think anyone needed to be subjected to what I looked like.

Now a year later, I have decided to be happy. I have decided to allow myself to be who I am. I spent nine months of the last year busting my ass to lose almost sixty pounds. Six. Zero. I have only recently begun to accept the body that I unearthed. Because of my beloved Master, I had begun to feel pretty, sexy, attractive.

Today in the space of a few hours, I allowed an asshat to rob me of nearly all of my newly-gained self confidenceĀ  Tonight, I spent the better part of an hour googling things like BMI Calculator, How much should I weigh?, and Am I too thin? All because of this idiot who possesses no filter.

My BMI is exactly where it should be. I can lose another five pounds, should I want to, and still be in the appropriate height / weight ratio. I am not too thin. So fuck you asshat. I am not yours. I will never be yours. I was owned before you ever laid eyes on me. If that is what motivated you to be an douche canoe of epic magnitude, then you need to get over it.

I will not waste any more time on you. I will not give you any more than manners and decorum. I will give you the time of day only if you ask. I want desperately to demean you in a public setting. I want to belittle you. I want to make you feel insecure. I want to make you question your self worth. I want to do these things at an intellectual level that you are incapable of understanding. I have no doubt I could do all of this and more.

You, asshat, should be grateful. You will be spared my not-insignificant wrath. I will not expend any energy on you. You are unworthy of it. I will not expend energy on you because my actions are a reflection of my group as a whole. I will not risk damaging the group because of you. I’m done with you.

From now on, you are someone to be endured. Nothing more.

Today I am grateful for: modern transportation
Today’s funny moment: I laughed much today. Because of You.
Training: 90 minutes
Water: 16 oz
Corset: am 25″, – pm


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