Content warning: This has not been run through any filter and I was livid when writing. You might want to wait until You are well rested, freshly fed, and happy before reading.
I do not have a “That was easy” button.
You leveraged my orgasm. Tell me what you will do for it … and it has to be something that is hard for you. I am furious. Yes, I really do deserve a medal for not letting rip the very choice words I had flying through my pissed off brain. Thanks for noticing. It seems I have led You to believe that things I do in service to You are easy for me.
As a rule, I’m not a complainer. When I do speak of something I do for You that is extremely difficult, it is because I’m seeking information that might make it easier. Not easy but less difficult, easier.
There are few things I do in service that are easy. In fact, as I sit here, only one comes to mind: being available whenever You need me. That I can do easily. It does keep me up many a night wondering if You will need me. Though I recognize that is my issue. Waiting for You to call because I love talking to You, even when You are angry and need me to listen to You vent. Even then. I know that most of the time I can pull You back from the edge and get You at least to a place of neutrality, if not full-on happy.
I love serving You, in all of its forms. That does not make it easy. You speak of my body and the changes I have made, the definition of my abs. I did not wake up and suddenly have this body. I work every single day to look like this. When I realized core strength was important to Our play, I decided to increase mine. For You. Is doing an ab work out fun? No. Is it easy? Hell no. Do I do it anyway? Yes. For You.
- I have not had my hair cut in a year. It pisses me off daily. What used to take 15 minutes now takes an hour and is destroyed by the slightest breeze. Hair spray not being an option because You don’t like product in my hair.
- I can no longer masturbate whenever the mood strikes me. There are days this particular thing brings me to tears. Not being touched is bad enough. Having the pretense of being touched removed from me is extremely trying.
- Permission to masturbate may not be permission to orgasm.
- Corset training. Something I want to do for You? Sure. Is it fun? Often. There are also times it’s a significant pain in the ass.
- No junk food without permission.
- No sweets without permission.
- Hearing the worst things I believe about myself “not good enough”, “you don’t deserve”, “failure” given voice by someone else.
- Daily journaling.
- Daily logs.
- The pain I accept for Your pleasure.
- A significant percentage of all of Our play.
- Going to events
- Going to events alone.
- Event logs.
- Memorizing geography.
- Anal training.
- Mandatory water consumption
All of these things have varying degrees of difficulty ranging from <sigh> I really don’t feel like it to How in gods name am I going to get through/do this thing?. I enjoy serving You. I like doing difficult things for You. It gives them more weight. I know doing all of these things makes You happy. I need Your happiness. Much of the service I perform is because You own me. I understand and need that.
I need to be very clear here, because I realize this might read as if I’m unhappy, I’m not. This is the happiest I have ever been. (Well – not right now but generally speaking.) I revel in the structure You provide. I’m saying it’s not easy. None of this is easy. As You have said, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Leveraging my orgasm by asking me to come up with something difficult to do for You? Aside from loving You, it’s all difficult and if it brings You joy, I will do it all. Again and again.
Today I am grateful for: Self-censorship
Today’s funny moment: “People of Sheldonopolis, follow me! If the children can’t, leave them behind! Oh the simulated horror!!”
Training: 1 hour
Water: 16 oz
Corset: 26″ am, 24.5″ pm