30 Days of Submission #15

15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

I have an amazing Master. (Bear with me. This really does relate to the question.) He pushes me, sometimes harder than I think I can stand. When We met, He was able to see who I am now, this girl who He has allowed me to become. He shepherded me on this path, keeping a firm hand on my leash when discomfort would have caused me to halt progress or move backward.

Roughly a year ago, I decided that I was going to do something about how miserable I was. I had denied who I was for what seemed like an eternity. I could not tolerate it any longer. I was mad at the world and it showed. I finally figured out that the only way I was going to have a shot at happiness was to change what I was doing.

I found my way back to BDSM. Almost instantly I felt alive again. I thought I would be content with a little slap n tickle in the bedroom. I quickly found out that would never be enough for me. I then thought being submissive would be enough. I began to live poly. My submission deepened and I needed more.

The term slave was introduced and I balked. I didn’t understand the meaning. I heard only the word and the ugly things it can represent. I became His slave long before I acknowledged the label, quite possibly before I realized the label applied to who I already was. I was blind to so much.

In the last year (and a bit) who I am has changed on a fundamental level. I have learned things about myself –  what I am capable of enduring, what I will do for another in the name of service, that I can need another person and not have it mean that I am weak, how deeply I can love, how hard I can be pushed – things I did not think were possible.

As for imagining my future evolution – it’s simply not possible. A year ago, I could not have imagined where I am today. Master and I reflect on this fact often when something momentous occurs. “Could you have imagined this a year ago?” I could not have imagined this girl. I could not have imagined this joy. I could not have imagined this love. I could not have imagined this bond. I could not have imagined a deep love of encasement, or bondage, or my ability to tolerate pain, or anal training, or being at this weight, or playing in public, or giving up the foods I love, or any of the other million little things I do because of Him.

I am extraordinarily fortunate to have this man, my Master, my One, in my life.

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