I know, it’s irrational

So I’ve been trying to shake this irrational fear that I have now. Since our last anal adventure and the accompanying injury, I have had a little voice in the back of my head giving me agida about all things anal. “Be careful” it says “Be more careful than that … you’re going to hurt yourself … uh oh … that discomfort is going to become pain .. better be safe and take it out… take it out .. take it out now!”

This voice is the primary reason my training has slowed to what feels like a crawl. I can no longer just pop in a plug and go to bed when DH’s home. I have to skip the night’s he’s home. I’m restricted to during the day. Most often during my morning nap. There is no doing it quickly anymore. I understand you aren’t a big fan of the “jam it and go” method of installation. It’s not my favorite either but given jam and go or not at all, in the past I have jammed and jammed often.

I can’t anymore. Not even maybe. On good days it takes a solid fifteen minutes to have the plug where it belongs and I’ve had it take as long as a full 45 minutes. I know it’s psychological. I understand there is little to no rationale behind the thoughts. I get it. I can’t shut the voice up no matter how much logic I throw at it.

Now, knowing that I’m going to be seeing you in less than 48 hours (Whee!), I’m nervous. Nervous that I won’t be able to play at the level you need. Nervous that I’ll end up hurt again. Nervous that my nerves will make things so much worse than they have to be. Nervous like I’ve never done this before, which is just plain absurd.

Maybe getting drunk Friday night isn’t such a bad plan.

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Today I am grateful for: All things leather
Today’s funny moment: They’re so flat it’s like poking a little boy.
Sad moment: n/a
Water: 5 (count ’em, 5!) liters
Corset: 23″ am, removed to push the Great Hydration of 2013

Zen

I spent most of the afternoon and evening working on a practice mask so that when I have your mate’s measurements I can get hers taken care of with little to no fuss. Because of this my mind is quiet. I have a bit of a creative zen thing happening.

I used to get this way when I would spend large blocks of time drawing. I have missed it. Thank you for indirectly bringing it back into my life. You are so very good for me.

Lest there should be any confusion, I adore you.

adore: to worship or honor as a deity or as divine (mm hmm), to regard with loving admiration and devotion (yup), to be very fond of (yes, that too)

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Today I am grateful for: quiet
Today’s funny moment: “With that mask you’re gonna look like Ra’s wife”
Sad moment: LM’s total disregard for cleanliness and order
Protocol: This evening I educated DH about protocol and dynamics not being something that are turned off like a switch.
Water: 4 liters 4 ounces
Corset: 23″ am, smallest cycle 22.25″, not worn pm

Things not done

I had a bunch of things I wanted to get done today, so did DH. Neither one of us accomplished much of anything. I started out being productive as did he and it just … fizzled.

We had a lazy day. We don’t do that here. We were both aware that tomorrow was back to the routine for the household and couldn’t seem to think about anything but that.

DH came home with my replacement phone and we sat, head’s together, like the geeky co-conspirators that we are, and played with it until we were both Ooing and Ahing over the features. It’s been so long since either of us have had to replace one that we didn’t realize how behind our devices had become.

DH kept remarking that, though the process had been a real PITA, it netted replacement phone for me for a grand total of bupkiss. Three cheers for managerial ineptitude!

I will be very glad to have an empty house to train in tomorrow. The holiday weekend has thrown my schedule all to heck and I feel like I’ve been slacking.

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Today I am grateful for: creativity
Today’s funny moment: Little Boy Blue … hey, he needed the money
Sad moment: n/a (Yippee!)
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: n/a

It is what it is

I’m better than I was this morning. I’m not all better. I’ve been trying to work out why last night hit me so hard. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t know and that if I’m going to get past it I have to let it go.

I’m not a horrible person. I have a mental deficiency caused by a closed head injury. It’s not the end of the world and for the most part I cope with it just fine. It’s never going to get any better than it is right now. That’s the reality.

I sometimes feel if I was completely alone in the world then my brain wouldn’t bother me nearly as much. Yes, I get extremely frustrated with myself, especially when my checks and balances and all the tools I’ve put in place fail me. It’s when my issues affect others, that I hurt and fester. Failing myself is one thing, failing those I love is something else entirely – something I find unforgivable.

I don’t give up and I don’t quit, though sometimes, I really really want to.

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Today I am grateful for: distractions
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: my self defeating cyclical thought patterns complicated by sleep deprivation
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters 6 ounces
Corset: 23″ am , 23″ pm

I am corset girl

The masses were not pleased at my lack of corset this evening. I stopped counting the “Oh, you didn’t wear a corset tonight.” comments after five of them.

I’m glad to be home.

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Today I am grateful for: shelter
Today’s funny moment: “Mom, are you going out tonight? … I can’t wait to see your outfit.”
Sad moment: The impact play class that became a class on belts and punishment.
Protocol: When is it ok to get up and walk out of a class without offending the instructor? My guess was never, so I didn’t.
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 23″ am, not worn pm