I know, it’s irrational

So I’ve been trying to shake this irrational fear that I have now. Since our last anal adventure and the accompanying injury, I have had a little voice in the back of my head giving me agida about all things anal. “Be careful” it says “Be more careful than that … you’re going to hurt yourself … uh oh … that discomfort is going to become pain .. better be safe and take it out… take it out .. take it out now!”

This voice is the primary reason my training has slowed to what feels like a crawl. I can no longer just pop in a plug and go to bed when DH’s home. I have to skip the night’s he’s home. I’m restricted to during the day. Most often during my morning nap. There is no doing it quickly anymore. I understand you aren’t a big fan of the “jam it and go” method of installation. It’s not my favorite either but given jam and go or not at all, in the past I have jammed and jammed often.

I can’t anymore. Not even maybe. On good days it takes a solid fifteen minutes to have the plug where it belongs and I’ve had it take as long as a full 45 minutes. I know it’s psychological. I understand there is little to no rationale behind the thoughts. I get it. I can’t shut the voice up no matter how much logic I throw at it.

Now, knowing that I’m going to be seeing you in less than 48 hours (Whee!), I’m nervous. Nervous that I won’t be able to play at the level you need. Nervous that I’ll end up hurt again. Nervous that my nerves will make things so much worse than they have to be. Nervous like I’ve never done this before, which is just plain absurd.

Maybe getting drunk Friday night isn’t such a bad plan.

Today I am grateful for: All things leather
Today’s funny moment: They’re so flat it’s like poking a little boy.
Sad moment: n/a
Water: 5 (count ’em, 5!) liters
Corset: 23″ am, removed to push the Great Hydration of 2013


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