So much happened this weekend I feel like we were there for at least a solid week, if not two. I have a couple of things I want to write about. I’m hoping I can be coherent. Addressing them individually will probably help.
This entry will discuss pride, a most un-slave-like state. As a rule, I don’t handle public praise very well. It makes me exceedingly uncomfortable. I’m usually embarrassed to the point of wishing that the earth would open up and swallow me whole. I don’t know how to reconcile my level of angst with the joy I feel when You speak favorably of me in front of others.
This weekend, You called me over during a discussion with Friday night’s DM. You instructed me to show him my marks. I was internally torn between “Whheee! I get to show off my marks” and “Uhmmm I don’t know this guy’s name and I’m taking off my clothes to show him my skin. In broad daylight. In the middle of a conversation”. I was warmed by how appreciative he was. I genuinely enjoyed the interaction with the three of us.
Then after I had put myself back together, You did a thing. You said to him, “She earned these pants … and those boots … and she earned this”, You said gesturing to Your collar. You spoke of these things matter of factly. As if I were not a sentient being. As if I were not standing right there. As if You were pointing to a mannequin in a store window. Excluded but included in the conversation simultaneously.
The articles of leather had been spoken of before. Not once had Your collar been spoken of that way. I don’t know how I managed to keep the tears at bay. I felt it at my core. I had the thought That’s fucking right I did! It’s not velcro and it sure as hell isn’t jewelry. Misty-eyed, I ducked my head and literally bit my tongue to stay silent. I was so proud in that moment that it felt wrong and I immediately squelched it.
This whole interplay sticks with me. I felt owned in a way I had somehow not before – like an accessory to be brought out and shown. I don’t know why this was different. Yours publicly? No. That doesn’t feel quite right. I’ve been Yours in public, in the community, prior to this. I don’t know. I’ll have to kick it around in my head a bit. I just know it was freakin’ hot.
Today I am grateful for: the absence of pain
Today’s funny moment: realizing that there is a very good chance I will have marks to explain when I go for my mammogram Wednesday
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: contemplating how to say “I can’t hear You” during play in a dungeon. It always feels “wrong”.
Water: 3 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm