Service

I was hunting around for journal prompts tonight and found this: Do you ever find you enjoy the service just for the service’s sake?

I thought to myself Well how else does one enjoy service? Seriously, I’m flummoxed by this question. Are there folks out there “enjoying service” for accolades? If that’s the case then they aren’t enjoying service at all – they are enjoying the recognition gained from service.

What exactly is it that people think service is?

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Today I am grateful for: quiet
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: n/a

Blind Faith

My brain has had idle time today. As so often happens when things are quiet, my thoughts turned to You.

I have been revisiting our time in front of the sink frequently since my return home. It was a relatively small period of time, given how long We were together for that visit. It is huge in my mind. I don’t know how much processing it will take to make it smaller.

I was there in front of You, adoring You as I have before, desperate to touch You in ways that are not permitted … wanting to get closer to You than the laws of physics will allow. Loving You with an intensity I hadn’t thought possible – an intensity that can still catch me off guard and steal my breath.

You placed Your hands on my head and I instantly wanted to scramble away from You, You who are my world. I was able to fight my instinct and tell myself that I was safe. That it was You. That You would never harm me. That You were pushing, not threatening. That I wanted … needed You to push this. That leaving this baggage behind would be beneficial to Us both. Then You removed Your hands and I thought Thank god. We’re done with that.

I had a few minutes to come back to myself before You nested Your fingers in my hair and aggressively held my head. I wish I had words for the instant, full-blown, shock/panic that I felt. I said the same things to myself as before; Master, pushing, safe … to no avail. I couldn’t return to You fully. The best I could do was keep myself from crying and work to not actively push You away – fearing for my safety and sitting with that fear because I had the ability to rationalize that the fear was groundless.

I knew I was with You. I was able to hold onto that much. I suppose that’s progress. It bothers me still that I couldn’t completely divorce myself from that other place/time/person. It was You pushing me to get past this artifact from my past. You. No one else. You who has done nothing to deserve the reaction that is indelibly ingrained.

In these moments, it is not You I am afraid of. Please know that.

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Today I am grateful for: positive outcomes
Today’s funny moment: dueling remotes
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: One should not drink to one’s own toast.
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: 2 hours

I’m a bit down. I’ve had enough of not training as a result of being ill. I expect to have a good night’s sleep and resume all things tomorrow.

You are on my mind. I hope You bounced back enough to have fun tonight. I am holding You gently in my heart.

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Today I am grateful for: improving health
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: n/a
Hood: n/a

Promptly nude

PROMPT: You are to be nude in front of a group of nude people. Would you feel more comfortable with average to skinny people or overweight to obese? Why do you think you feel that way?

In my “before” life, when I was 60 pounds heavier, when I thought it mattered what I looked like, when my self esteem was wrapped up in the number on the scale, I found the thought of being nude in front of anyone, aside from my husband, to be mortifying.

Fast forward to the now, to this me, to the person I’ve become, who thinks not much of anything about stripping down to the bare essentials (or less) in an appropriate venue. In fact, I give far less thought to the people present, be they clothed or not, than to the environment in which I will be naked.

I notice others, of course I notice. I look at women 100 to 200 pounds heavier than I, who are seemingly unfazed by being naked and I wonder what I used to be so concerned about. I look at the 20somethings in the venue, their bodies unmarked by pregnancy, unaffected by gravity and age. The image of youth. That is what I compare myself to.

I am harsh with myself in all things. This is no different. I recognize that it is unfair, fool-hardy, and potentially harmful to compare the bodies of youth with mine. I will never look like that again. It is not possible. It isn’t my fault that I no longer look that way. There is nothing I can do to bring back that form. This body I have put so much effort into is as close as I will ever be.

Time continues to pass. My body continues to age. I hope at some point I can be happy with this case that holds my soul, though it seems unlikely. I am content. That is perhaps the best I can hope for.

This prompt courtesy of Submissive Journal Prompts

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Today I am grateful for: Rest
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: sleeping against my will
Protocol: n/a
Water: 5.5 liters
Corset: n/a

TMI Tuesday: Random Questions

random_tmi

1. If you had to be trapped inside a movie for 5 days, which movie would you pick?
Under the Tuscan Sun

2. Who is starring in the movie of your life?
I have never understand the need to play casting director in the game of “If my life was a movie”.

3. What is your favorite curse word?
This is wholly dependent on how angry I am. I tend not to curse in everyday speech. If I’m cursing I’m either extremely frustrated, angry, or ill. I have recently been told that I’m not allowed to curse. I’m a bit concerned about how long it will take me to stop venting with language.

4. What word or phrase do you say most often during sex?
… pass …

5. What word or phrase are you tired of hearing during sex?
This question gave me pause. I wonder at the relationship that becomes so routine that the same word or phrase is said every time.

6. What word or phrase do you like to hear during sex?
… pass …

Bonus:  Which sex profession would you attempt? You must pick one. Tell us why you made that choice.
This is easy. I would do the phone sex thing. Decent money and “no contact” safe.

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You can read other responses or play along here.