PROMPT: You are to be nude in front of a group of nude people. Would you feel more comfortable with average to skinny people or overweight to obese? Why do you think you feel that way?
In my “before” life, when I was 60 pounds heavier, when I thought it mattered what I looked like, when my self esteem was wrapped up in the number on the scale, I found the thought of being nude in front of anyone, aside from my husband, to be mortifying.
Fast forward to the now, to this me, to the person I’ve become, who thinks not much of anything about stripping down to the bare essentials (or less) in an appropriate venue. In fact, I give far less thought to the people present, be they clothed or not, than to the environment in which I will be naked.
I notice others, of course I notice. I look at women 100 to 200 pounds heavier than I, who are seemingly unfazed by being naked and I wonder what I used to be so concerned about. I look at the 20somethings in the venue, their bodies unmarked by pregnancy, unaffected by gravity and age. The image of youth. That is what I compare myself to.
I am harsh with myself in all things. This is no different. I recognize that it is unfair, fool-hardy, and potentially harmful to compare the bodies of youth with mine. I will never look like that again. It is not possible. It isn’t my fault that I no longer look that way. There is nothing I can do to bring back that form. This body I have put so much effort into is as close as I will ever be.
Time continues to pass. My body continues to age. I hope at some point I can be happy with this case that holds my soul, though it seems unlikely. I am content. That is perhaps the best I can hope for.
This prompt courtesy of Submissive Journal Prompts
Today I am grateful for: Rest
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: sleeping against my will
Water: 5.5 liters