My brain has had idle time today. As so often happens when things are quiet, my thoughts turned to You.
I have been revisiting our time in front of the sink frequently since my return home. It was a relatively small period of time, given how long We were together for that visit. It is huge in my mind. I don’t know how much processing it will take to make it smaller.
I was there in front of You, adoring You as I have before, desperate to touch You in ways that are not permitted … wanting to get closer to You than the laws of physics will allow. Loving You with an intensity I hadn’t thought possible – an intensity that can still catch me off guard and steal my breath.
You placed Your hands on my head and I instantly wanted to scramble away from You, You who are my world. I was able to fight my instinct and tell myself that I was safe. That it was You. That You would never harm me. That You were pushing, not threatening. That I wanted … needed You to push this. That leaving this baggage behind would be beneficial to Us both. Then You removed Your hands and I thought Thank god. We’re done with that.
I had a few minutes to come back to myself before You nested Your fingers in my hair and aggressively held my head. I wish I had words for the instant, full-blown, shock/panic that I felt. I said the same things to myself as before; Master, pushing, safe … to no avail. I couldn’t return to You fully. The best I could do was keep myself from crying and work to not actively push You away – fearing for my safety and sitting with that fear because I had the ability to rationalize that the fear was groundless.
I knew I was with You. I was able to hold onto that much. I suppose that’s progress. It bothers me still that I couldn’t completely divorce myself from that other place/time/person. It was You pushing me to get past this artifact from my past. You. No one else. You who has done nothing to deserve the reaction that is indelibly ingrained.
In these moments, it is not You I am afraid of. Please know that.
Today I am grateful for: positive outcomes
Today’s funny moment: dueling remotes
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: One should not drink to one’s own toast.
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: 2 hours