TMI Tuesday: A Year in Review

new year1. Did you make New Year’s Resolutions last year? Which ones did you keep? Are you better for it?
I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t need a date to instigate significant change. If I discover something about myself that I need to alter for the sake of improvement, I do so. Will power and self-commitment are what is required, not a date on a calendar.

2. What was your favorite TMI Tuesday list of questions from 2013? Why? (Give date and title)
Food and Drink  – July 9th.
I love talking about food. This one had the added bonus of allowing me to exercise creativity.

3. What sexy/sexual things do you hope to experience in 2014–toys, acts, people, events, etc?
~ I am hoping to exceed any/all previous benchmarks.
~ Extensive impact play session at my local club. I need my community to see me as real. Yes, I recognize that I shouldn’t need the external validation. I do. Sue me.
~ I’m seeking the elusive 24 hour encasement.
~ Also kicking around in my head is surpassing the two hour impact play session. I’m not sure pushing this one is possible or advisable. Still, I would very much like to try.
~ I need gags to be just another part of play instead of an issue to be overcome. I made great strides in 2013. In 2014 I would like to put this to bed.

4. This time of year is filled with “Top Lists” and “Best of Lists”. Let’s make a list. What were your Top 3 best sexual experiences in 2013? Go into as little or as much detail as you would like.
I’m sitting giggling with delight as I write this. Just three? So much happened this year. All of my best experiences were charged with sexual energy, though not all of them included the act itself.
~ OTK play
~ Discovering The Orgasm Cascade™
~ Ducking out for phone play several times while at a club event

5. What are your hopes, dreams for 2014?
~ Significantly less yelling. In fact, since I’m dreaming, let’s just eliminate yelling completely.
~ A whole lot less anger
~ 75% less pain in those I love. (the bad kind, not the good kind)
~ Get LM on a stable track. I will settle for not having every fucking day be a battle.
~ Zero lying (Hey, a mother can dream.)

Bonus: In the coming year, let us all resolve to visit, read, and comment on at least two TMI Tuesday blog posts a week that are posted by our fellow TMI Tuesday bloggers. :-)
See my response to number 1.

Play along and/or read more responses here.

That Word

A while back … what seems like a very long time ago, You began identifying me as Your fucktoy. The word made me uncomfortable – so uncomfortable that I had difficulty doing nothing more than agreeing with You. I expect that You knew this. You didn’t ask me to say it for at least a month, and it may have been longer than that. I had become used to hearing it by the time You asked me to speak it. Saying it then was as challenging as hearing it had been at the start.

Dealing with fucktoy was rough because that word fuck has always been a “bad” word. A word I only said when furious or in a great deal of pain. There was nothing positive about it. DH knew if I was, to use his vernacular, dropping F bombs, that he had better tread very lightly. It took a great deal of time for me to view it as a good thing – to see it as something I wanted to be.

Now this. This word cunt, perhaps the most offensive term a woman can be called. A word that I have never used. A word that when said on a very rare occasion by DH, conversation will halt, I will raise an eyebrow and he will apologize. A word that is only ever assigned to a person if they are being insulted. You had me say that word about myself and I felt dirty. I don’t know how else to describe it, and believe me, I’ve spent some time working on this. Even with everything You and I have said and done with each other, I was embarrassed to speak that way in front of You – ashamed to refer to myself in that way.

I had barely choked out the words. Still awash in the emotion they invoked and You said a thing that I want to pretend I didn’t hear … It will get easier the more you say it.

Today I am grateful for: progress
Today’s funny moment: What kind of computer do you have … and please, don’t say  ‘a white one’.
Sad moment: yet another phone call from the school
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24.5 am, 24 pm
Hood: 1 hour

Drop it Low

I have a number of topics borne of Our visit that are on my “to write about” list. I don’t have the where with all to deal with any of them tonight.

Today I am grateful for: distractions
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: lack of follow through
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters +10 ounces
Corset: n/a sick
Hood: n/a sick

Still Pushing

I keep revisiting the clamps with which You began Our play. I revisit the clamps and something You said after the fact about leaving them on even though they were, as always, extremely painful. I experience them easily as a 6 or 7, albeit highly localized.

I loathe those things. I have been quite vocal about that fact. Experiencing them for as long as I did did not change my mind. If anything, my opinion has been confirmed. I adore that You did what You wanted to do with me in spite of how I reacted. I do not ever want to drive a scene. My reactions are naked honesty. I have not, nor will I ever, “play act” a response in an attempt to top from the bottom.

I dispensed with safe words a long time ago, regardless of the type of play (no limits session, public play, etc.) Pain never killed anyone. I don’t enjoy the pain. I do enjoy the challenge it presents. I trust that You know me, my body, and how I react well enough at this point that I don’t need to say anything.The obvious disclaimer here is that if something odd is going on I of course inform You.

What I’m trying to say, in a round about way, is thank you. Thank you for continuing to push, for never letting me get comfortable, for not allowing Our play to have a predictable routine, for still having the ability to scare the bejeezus out of me. Thank you for being You. Thank you for shoving me further into who I am.

I can’t get enough of playing with You. I don’t ever want to stop.

Today I am grateful for: Robitussin
Today’s funny moment: How do you meet a swan?
Sad moment: Nope. It’s not allergies.
Protocol: n/a
Water: 5 liters
Corset: n/a – sick
Hood: n/a – sick

A Masterful Lunch

I keep thinking about Our shared meal yesterday. I thought about it most of the way home last night. I thought about it some more when I was trying to sleep last night. It was on my mind more than once today.

You said to me, as you set my glass of Diet Pepsi out of my reach, “You’re drinking wine with your meal.” Brain was less than pleased. Pussy said Wheeeee! As the meal continued there was a subtle choreography between You, my wine glass, my water glass, and I. It was smoking hot. I don’t know why others seemed not to notice. I don’t know why the very table didn’t spontaneously combust.

When we were winding down, I came back to the table to find a slab of dessert at my place. A dessert I would not have thought about asking for given the generosity of potato chips that had occurred throughout the weekend. A dessert that would have been exactly what I would have chosen for myself. Scorching hot. Seriously. I am surprised there wasn’t steam escaping from my genitalia.

Thank you for finding ways to show me I’m owned, in full view of an unknowing public. It really isn’t all about the beatings.

Today I am grateful for: quiet
Today’s funny moment: “Free rose” advert.
Sad moment: a return to technology
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: not worn
Hood: 2 hours