Questions asked

  • Does frequently being mistaken for a D-type mean an s-type is a failure?
  • Does being outspoken make one less of an s-type?
  • What percentage of the community feel that s-types should be allowed to express an opinion?
  • If s-types are supposed to be seen and not heard, then who will run submissive discussion groups? Should there even be submissive discussion groups?
  • If a group of s-types need direction during an activity and one of them speaks up to provide direction, does that make the one speaking up a D-type?
  • Are s-types permitted self confidence?
  • Must an s-type always walk with eyes down cast and rounded shoulders as if being an s-type is something to be ashamed of?
  • Should self confident s-types stifle who they are lest they be seen as not submissive?
  • Is it the responsibility of the s-type to maintain a confused, uneducated, please tell me what I want, please tell me my opinion persona?
  • Are s-types allowed to be angry/frustrated, experience self doubt or any other negative emotion? If these *are* permitted, must they remain internal or are they allowed a voice?
  • If an s-type has an answer to an asked question, should they pretend they do not?
  • Does providing answers make them a D-type?
  • If a D-type is consistently unhappy regardless of the efforts of their s-type, and given that the D-type’s happiness is paramount, does remaining in that relationship make the s-type selfish?
  • If an s-type is not “submissive enough” is there a place for them within the community or are they simply taking up space better filled by the meek?
  • Who decides what “submissive enough” looks like?
  • Is there a place for the respectfully assertive s-type?
  • Do respectfully assertive s-types make their D-types appear less-than?
  • Are assertive s-types offensive to the general community, regardless of the level of respect shown by the s-type?
  • What is it to “act like a submissive”? Who decides this?
  • Are those who identify as alpha s-types fooling themselves? Are they really D-types in disguise?
  • Is a self confident s-type an asset or a deficit to their D-type? – to their community?




7 thoughts on “Questions asked

  1. Quite honestly, I haven’t heard the terms “d-type”/”s-type” before used in a BDSM context (just in DISC, but that doesn’t seem to be meant here) – but I’m not a native Speaker, so probably that’s just something that I missed. So.. Dominant / Submissive? Or is the meaning more complex than that?

    • I chose s-type / D-type because this eliminates the “label conundrum”. If I had used Dominant / submissive, a reader might have thought “But I’m a Master / slave”. I had used Master / slave, a reader might have thought “But I’m a Dominant / submissive”. Phrasing these the way I did, in an inclusive format, allows the questions to apply to any dynamic.

  2. I hope you will forgive me if I just give an general answer to the topic instead of trying to answer every question separately… (If not, then, well, I’ll probably have to live with your eternal wrath… or something like that 😉 ).

    I notice a slighy undercurrent in this questions (*cough*), they really seem more like rhetorical questions to me, but that’s probably just because the answers are obvious (at least, to me). But, since I’m in the mood for some typing (perhaps I was a typist in my last life and now my karma hounds me)…

    The whole list sounds to me like the topic of the “true submissive” / “true slave”, words I personally only heard from wanna-bes, who didn’t get the treatment from a submissive they wanted. Normally, it goes like this…

    Wannabe: “Hey slave! I am god’s gift to all submissives! Respect me! Worship me! Fullfill my masturbation phantasies because that’s all the experience I’ve got.” (Ok, the last part is mostly implied)
    Submissive: *rolls over the floor, laughing*
    Wannabe: “You aren’t a true slave, you !”

    Anyway, if you ask me, there is no “standard” on how to be a submissive. There are exactly two people (ok, sometimes more, in poly-relationships) who must be happy with the way a submissive is:

    a) The most important person: The submissive herself/himself/xemself (ok, I admit it, I actually had to look that last one up.)

    b) The partner(s) of that submissive (not quite as important, but still important).

    Everyone else is as important as… can’t think of something completely unimportant, so let’s simply go with… Everyone else is not important. I don’t know about you, but I’m not who I am to fullfill some standard someone I don’t care about has. If my submissive would be unhappy with the way I am – problem. If “some guy” thinks I am not a “true” dominant, a failure, etc. – I couldn’t care less.

    Which of course leads us to an ironic answer: Why should you care what I think? Honestly, you shouldn’t. If I told you, that the answer is always “Yes, the submissive must act like a stupid person, never speak up, etc.” – why should you care?

    But, perhaps you have guessed, I won’t tell you that. Personally, I think it’s great if a submissive is happy, self-confident, outspoken, etc. Yes, I demand respect from my submissive (but not from any other person), but I realize that demanding it without earning it an exercise in pointlessness (and will not work).
    For people who are not my submissive, I have a simple rule… Submissives are people, too (if this was a show, now would be the time for the suprised gasps). And that’s how I treat them: As people. And thus it’s totally ok for me if they are shy or extroverted, loud or silent, self-confident or not (but I wish they were, in that case, for them), etc.
    And that’s how I expect other people to treat my submissive, btw, as a person and not as their submissive. And that includes not projecting their personal ideas of how their submissive should be onto people who clearly aren’t their submissive.
    (Of course, there are some play parties, etc. where the treatment of submissives is different and that’s totally ok, because everyone agreed to it by turning up. I am talking about more everyday-stuff here, not such exceptions.)

    The best way to fail is not to be true to yourself. Of course, being true to yourself doesn’t mean never to bend – but only as far as you can and “want” and not to the point where you’ll need to break yourself. All people are individuals. The only people who decide what’s ok are the people in the relationship.

    (Ok, there is another way to fail: Try to tell other people how to live their lifes and that your way it the only acceptable one.)

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