Wrong.

I read this post the other day. I literally read the first sentence and thought “WRONG!” I did plow on through the rest of the post, admittedly colored by the outrage I still felt from that first sentence. This is what floored me:

The job of a dominant is to bring contentment to those who submit.

Granted I’m not a dominant. If I may respond from my position as an s-type; (and I will since this is my space) No … just no … that’s not your job! This is so backward and foreign I want to give the author the benefit of the doubt and say that can’t be what he meant. It is not my Master’s job to be sure I’m content. I am in my Master’s life to bring Him contentment, to be there for Him, to make sure He is happy.

I defy any submissive to approach a prospective D-type and say “Your job is to make me content.” I cannot imagine a dynamic that one-sided on either side of the slash. A Dominant works every day to provide the structure in the dynamic. I should thank Him by also making Him responsible for my emotional well being? Not just no but, hell no!

If you are new to dominance, you need to be strong enough for the both of you, or in some cases, the several of you.

It is writings like this that pour fuel on the I’m a special little snowflake entitled submissive attitudes that infuriate me. I don’t need anyone to be strong for me. I can and will be strong for myself. Any relationship I am in has support from both partners involved. It is not always 50/50. There are days when I need 75% and there are days when I give 75%.

My point is this: No one should enter into any relationship expecting to give everything or to take everything. That level of expectation is unrealistic and unsustainable. I would love to believe that I can be all, do all for my partner. I would like to believe it. I also know it simply isn’t possible. We all have our limitations. Even Dominants.

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3 thoughts on “Wrong.

  1. Your vehement comment proves such a wonderful passion…
    The post you have found is merely a point of view that pulls dominants’ attention to be responsible in their endeavour. There are way too many examples of doms taking the relationship as easy as it is using a tissue and then throwing it…
    I recently found a beautiful description of the dom/sub dynamic as seen in absolute M/s.

    ‘the M/s relationship is a symbiosis […] each symbiant provides something that the other needs, but it does so passively, by merely existing.
    A submissive submits […] because she is instinctively compelled by her nature to do so, and from the dominant she receives the opportunity to submit. In other words, she gives her dominant all that she is, while the dominant makes it possible for her to be all that she is’ (courtesy to J. Mikael Togneri)

    From this perspective…yes, the submissive may expect to be made content within the relationship she is in…otherwise why being there? Wouldn’t be wrong to continue something that do not yield the desired outcomes?…A discontented submissive may not of any benefit to her dominant…

  2. I read the post and agree with you. But I think the author meant something a little different, and just happened to word it completely the wrong way. You’re right. A sub is his or her own person, and needs to have responsibility for his or her own life. Every relationship has to have a great deal of give-and-take for it to be successful, and when the Dominant allows the sub to take and take without giving, things will quickly deteriorate. And gawd, I hate that entitled, you’re-here-to-serve-me attitude that some subs seem to have.

    After reading the post, I think that the author is acknowledging, in his own way, the massive influence Dominants can have over submissives. The bond that forms between and sub and a Dominant is an intense, long-lasting one, and in my experience, it seems like submissives in D/s relationships give so much more of themselves than people in “vanilla” relationships. Because submissives give themselves so passionately, because they open themselves so completely, the Dominant feels the responsibility of receiving that precious gift, and will often take steps to avoid breaking the heart that’s been left so open and vulnerable to them.

    I agree also with MysticalKitty. The sub needs to feel fulfilled in the relationship, and it’s the Dominant’s job to provide that fulfillment. But it’s the same in any relationship. Both partners are responsible, at least in part, for the fulfillment of the other. If one partner neglects the needs and desires of the other, the relationship won’t work. If the Dominant completely neglects the needs and desires of the submissive, and doesn’t put any effort into making the submissive feel content, nurtured, and loved, then the relationship is doomed to fail.

    So I don’t necessarily find huge fault with his post, but the way he wrote it seems to imply that there is no give-and-take, and that the Dominant must pamper and tend to the whims of the submissive without any regard for their own feelings, and I don’t agree with that. Submissives are not children. They are powerful, amazing people, and need to be held to the same standard as Dominants. As a Dominant, I would have no interest in a relationship with a weak individual who completely relied on me for his or her own happiness and contentment, and never gave anything back, and never put in an effort of their own to make sure the relationship was a successful one. That post seems to imply (I’m hoping it’s unintentionally implied) that all submissives are weak and require a more “superior” partner to help them function as individuals. A relationship built on that dynamic probably won’t last very long, because submissives are not weak, and they’re not merely reflections of the Dominant. In the same token, Dominants are not flawless, and cannot hope to meet that sort of standard perfectly, 24/7. The way he wrote this post seems to imply that it’s okay for submissives to hold their Dominants to impossibly high standards. If a submissive entered a relationship with that kind of mindset, they’ll be crushed when they find out that the Dominant is, in fact, human.

    I admire your point of view and the way you describe your relationship with your Master in this post. Thank you for sharing it.

  3. Jen – Come on! I’m vanilla enough but I’ve definitely given my whole heart in my relationship. I think we both have. That’s a pretty broad write off of vanilla love and one that (without meaning offence) is hurtful.

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