This weekend was the first time I Topped someone I knew. I have Topped in this setting prior to this but it has always been pick-up play. “Hey I don’t know you. I’ve seen you around. How’s about I beat on you for a while?” Followed by a brief medical history and negotiations.
I have been talking with this individual for some two years now and it was odd asking him things I would never ask someone I wasn’t negotiating with. He asked about a degree of undress and what I prefer. I told him I don’t hit what I can’t visually assess. Since he’s into CBT …well…. you can guess where I’m going with this.
In the lifestyle, we encounter a plethora of nudity in various stages from topless to completely nude. (I remember my shock in seeing a completely nude female just hanging out the first time I attended my local dungeon and she wasn’t even playing! <gasp>) Often we see people nude before we know their names. All of the strangers I have Topped have been naked. So why then, was it so uncomfortable this time?
He knelt with his back to me before we began. I stayed outside of the scene space, watching him, to give him quiet time, allowing him to transition from friends who were joking a few moments ago, to whatever his bottom mindset was. I was also giving myself time for transition from friend to Top. A minute or two into the scene and he was was simply the bottom on which I focused my energies. His nudity, who he was prior to the scene, ceased to be an issue.
I’ve been pondering this. I maintain, when questioned, that I Top folks I don’t know well (if at all) for practice, to get better, that these experiences are not at all sexual for me. They are the practical to my theory. Something that came up with my self examination after this weekend, was the idea that perhaps I was uncomfortable because I was hit over the head with the fact that, though this is not at all sexual for me, it more than likely is for my bottoms, regardless of gender.
This concept is not new for me. I’ve had multiple conversations about that very thing. I have recognized this idea to be true in the past: The folks I beat, hurt, mark, some with whom I do nothing more than sit in the same room, are having sex with me, in some form. This weekend, there it was, staring me in the face, big as life and just as undeniable. I’m not saying that was the entire source of my discomfort. I am saying it’s more than probable that it was part of it.
It’s icky. I don’t like it AND it’s unlikely to stop me from Topping. I get far too much enjoyment from hurting people. I’m not sure what that says about me and I’ll keep working on it.