More questions …

This weekend was the first time I Topped someone I knew. I have Topped in this setting prior to this but it has always been pick-up play. “Hey I don’t know you. I’ve seen you around. How’s about I beat on you for a while?” Followed by a brief medical history and negotiations.

I have been talking with this individual for some two years now and it was odd asking him things I would never ask someone I wasn’t negotiating with. He asked about a degree of undress and what I prefer. I told him I don’t hit what I can’t visually assess. Since he’s into CBT …well…. you can guess where I’m going with this.

In the lifestyle, we encounter a plethora of nudity in various stages from topless to completely nude. (I remember my shock in seeing a completely nude female just hanging out the first time I attended my local dungeon and she wasn’t even playing!  <gasp>) Often we see people nude before we know their names. All of the strangers I have Topped have been naked. So why then, was it so uncomfortable this time?

He knelt with his back to me before we began. I stayed outside of the scene space, watching him, to give him quiet time, allowing him to transition from friends who were joking a few moments ago, to whatever his bottom mindset was. I was also giving myself time for transition from friend to Top. A minute or two into the scene and he was was simply the bottom on which I focused my energies. His nudity, who he was prior to the scene, ceased to be an issue.

I’ve been pondering this. I maintain, when questioned, that I Top folks I don’t know well (if at all) for practice, to get better, that these experiences are not at all sexual for me. They are the practical to my theory. Something that came up with my self examination after this weekend, was the idea that perhaps I was uncomfortable because I was hit over the head with the fact that, though this is not at all sexual for me, it more than likely is for my bottoms, regardless of gender.

This concept is not new for me. I’ve had multiple conversations about that very thing. I have recognized this idea to be true in the past: The folks I beat, hurt, mark, some with whom I do nothing more than sit in the same room, are having sex with me, in some form.  This weekend, there it was, staring me in the face, big as life and just as undeniable. I’m not saying that was the entire source of my discomfort. I am saying it’s more than probable that it was part of it.

It’s icky. I don’t like it AND it’s unlikely to stop me from Topping. I get far too much enjoyment from hurting people. I’m not sure what that says about me and I’ll keep working on it.

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4 thoughts on “More questions …

  1. I’ve come across the same thing, when ProDomming with a client I had absolutely zero interest in having sex with. So many of them would get aroused, even though (from my perspective) nothing we were doing was remotely sexual. I wonder what it is that pushes bottoms to that state of arousal. Is there arousal in the sensation of pain for a masochist? Is it the complete loss of control that causes it? I’ve always wondered about that.

    • Domina Jen,

      Given that I spend more of my time as a submissive than I do a Top, I know, at least for me what causes the arousal.

      It is two things that are interconnected:
      I trust this person enough to hand over, fully and completely, the control of my body.
      Though I do not want the pain that I know is coming, that I will actively seek to avoid it if given the chance, I love and honor this person enough to offer my suffering to them because it brings them happiness.

      This is what I struggle with as I Top people with whom I am not in a long-term meaningful relationship. I don’t know how to process what they are feeling. We do not know each other, the bottom and I. They cannot be suffering in tribute because they don’t know me. Does that mean the pain is for their enjoyment and I am simply the conduit? I expect the reasons are as many as those who bottom to strangers.

  2. It depends. It is sometimes not sexual for me, I must say. Sometimes I just feel like being torn apart – and a beating can actually settle something down. But it can, especially in early years, also be a kind of sex. For me too, there is a difference between being a kind of pain-slut and being a bottom – when it is about pain, that is just physical, not sexual. Being a bottom, well, that is about submission, being cared for, loved. And I have found these things are not the same, even in me, as one person.

    • Zed,

      That is a fascinating concept, that there are two completely different aspects to being subjected to impact play. This ties in nicely with what I said to Domina Jen (above).

      Perhaps this is what I supply for the stranger whom I Top. Perhaps I am feeding their pain-slut. It has also occurred to me that those I beat, want to be submissive and have no one to be submissive to, therefore I am their Dominant by proxy for the time we are in scene.

      Thank you for this food for thought. I’m expect I’ll be ruminating on it for quite some time.

      ~K

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