In case you missed it …

This morning on Fet I came across a wonderful writing on shame by the prolific and frequent K&Per, TheFerrett. I thought it well worth copy/pasting here.

We Don’t Know

  • We don’t really know how many men are in abusive relationships, because some idiots would call them such wusses if they admitted what they were going through.
  • We don’t really know what percentage of people in the scene have HSV, because some idiots would freak out and treat them like lepers if they admitted it.
  • We don’t really know what percentage of happily married couples are okay with open marriages, or swinging, or polyamory, because some idiots would use this as an excuse to try to take their kids away from them.
  • We don’t really know how many women are empowered by sex work, because some idiots are convinced that no woman could possibly be happy selling her body for sex but are equally convinced there’s deep dignity in scrubbing the fry trap out at Burger King for minimum wage.
  • We don’t really know what percentage of abstinence-only educated children have sex, because some idiots have told these kids that if they have sex they are bad people, and as such they’ll hide everything until the baby accidentally arrives.
  • We still don’t really know what percentage of men are bisexual in the scene, because some idiots think that women kissing is totally hot but men kissing is just icky perversion, eeyew, who wants to see that shit.

My wife got a comment on her blog the other day from some idiot saying that shame is an effective way of keeping people moral. To which I say, fuck you, dude, and fuck your idiot ideas.

What I see shame doing is not actually stopping the behavior, but merely driving it deeper underground where you don’t see it, to a place where people suffer in loneliness because they’re convinced absolutely no good person could ever be like them.

Which is really the point of what you’re doing, isn’t it? These concepts make you uncomfortable – this idea that men can be abused by women, this idea that open marriages or sex work can be empowering for some people, this concept that sex is something that teenagers want to do – and so you trash-compact this stuff deep down, ignoring the cracking noise of bones splintering as innocent folks get crushed.

I say fuck shame. It’s a Luddite’s dream idea that obscures debate – “Hey, is this a good thing? What actually happens when we do this?” and replaces it with a YOU BAD, BAD PEOPLE DO THAT. It’s an inefficient tool that takes the place of education, argument, and enlightenment.

There’s only one thing you should be ashamed of, and that’s perpetrating shame.

Be you, without shame, and be happy. Easier said than done and well worth the effort when accomplished.

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