Fitness Journal: Day 6

Prompt: Do you have any disordered eating habits? How do you overcome/cope with them?

I admit I had to google “Disordered eating habits”. I do not have a diagnosed eating disorder. That said, I absolutely have an unhealthy, bordering on toxic, relationship with food.

After the birth of my child, some sixteen plus years ago now, I began using food to medicate everything from loneliness, to boredom, to sadness, to anxiety. Any emotional discomfort became a trigger to eat.

This would have been bad enough if I was sitting down with a veggie platter. Of course, it was not veggies or anything else even remotely healthy. Any and all junk food was fair game. The larger the quantity the better. I remember selecting what I would eat by how long it would take. One doughnut is gone in moments. A bag of chips could take an hour if I was careful. It did not take long at all for me to become a full-fledged addict.

While I am in recovery now (and I do look at it that way, as I would any other addiction), I still have horrid cravings on days that are stressful or emotionally taxing. I have, and will in the future I’m sure, cried bitter tears under the pressure of the cravings. I have literally sobbed in desperation when needing the guaranteed and instant happiness that comes from eating a box of doughnuts. It’s a terrible feeling, the clawing need that nothing else will satiate.

I deal with it by not having those foods in the house. I tell myself I only have to make it through the hour it takes to do a week’s worth of shopping. That’s it. If I don’t buy any crap, then the trigger foods aren’t in the house to eat. Most of the time that’s enough. On very bad days, the days that evoke tears, it’s all I can do not to get in the car, drive to the market, and fill a cart with every kind of crap available.

Those times are infrequent, though not nearly as infrequent as I would like.

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