TMI Tuesday: Random Thoughts

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1. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
Motherhood.
2. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
I was a good kid. I can only think of two things in my entire childhood for which I was punished: My brother and I were engaging in horseplay indoors and he shoved me up against the wall, at which time I kicked my heel back and through the drywall in the dining room. He and I had to split the cost of the repair. The other time, I got caught skipping first period (It was German II and I hated it!). Skipping would have been bad enough but I also forged a note to use as an excuse. The note earned me an in-school suspension and, at home, a 1500 word essay on why I shouldn’t have done what I did.
3. When was the last time you had an amazing meal? What was it? Why was it amazing for you?
I can’t remember an amazing meal. Ever. I’ve had some decent meals. I’ve had some amazing company during mediocre meals. I’ve had amazing dining experiences with choreographed service, fine linen, and sterling sliver accompanied by itty bitty portions of courses I couldn’t appreciate because my pallet is that of a five year old. I’ve had amazing desserts. I don’t think I’ve had an amazing start-to-finish, everything-was-just-perfect meal.
4. What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?
The best gift I’ve ever received is my Boy. Meeting him changed my life. He is what divides my life into before and after. (Oh, geez, that was a long time ago. That was before I knew my Boy.) As for the worst? Meh. What constitutes a “bad” gift? I’ve definitely received some things that I’ve looked at and thought Hmm okay … I don’t really understand what I should do with this. That being said, it’s always nice to be thought of. I love surprises and I don’t get many gifts. Even the ones that don’t make much sense are greatly appreciated.
5. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Financial freedom.

Bonus: What is something you learned in the last week?
I learned that I don’t have enough experiences in my life in which I can relax. There is always some component I have to plan/execute/check on. Sitting back and letting everything go simply does not happen.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on the TMI blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

TMI Tuesday: Relationship assessment

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1. When sizing up (assessing) your romantic relationship(s), is there a couple that you envy? Why? (Can be a couple you know or famous/celebrity couple)
I envy people who can be who they are when out in the world. Being one who lives an “alternative lifestyle” means hiding who I am a good portion of the time. It’s tiring.

2. Thinking of your current relationship(s), which stage are you in?
a. Infatuation stage – Intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to be with each other, strong sexual attraction.
b. Understanding stage – You both start getting to know each other better, and everything about your partner interests and fascinates you.
c. Molding stage – You each know what you want in a partner and you start molding each other to change in effort to create a stranger, lasting relationship.
d. If you have made it this far you are in the advanced stages of a relationship, which one best represents the current status of your relationship:
1) Stage of doubt – This is not what you want in a partner, and you have thoughts of ending the relationship.
2) Happy stage – You’ve worked out most of the kinks in your relationship, you know each others flaws and can deal with them. You are comfortable and enjoying the relationship in what you believe will be a long-lasting one.

I’m in the “Happy stage” in my relationships. (Is the molding stage really a thing? News flash: Partners are not home improvement projects. Accept/love them for who they are or move along. It is unrealistic/unfair to expect anyone to morph into the partner you want vs. the partner they are. You can try and I’m here to tell you it will only lead to resentment and, most likely, the end of the relationship.)

3. If you are not currently in a romantic relationship, at which stage did your last relationship end? (see stages above).

4. Do you think you are too good for your current partner(s)? Why do you feel this way?
I believe I am good for them. My primary objective is to be supportive and loving. I put a fair amount of effort into allowing them to be who they are (unless a behavior is unhealthy). Is it maddening that he can’t make it the final three inches between where he drops his socks and the clothes hamper? Sure and I married him knowing who he was. I’m not going to bitch about it or ask him to change now. I believe I often provide what they need emotionally, while avoiding the pointless bickering that comes from not fully accepting who your partner is.

5. Write a 25-word love note to your current significant other or to a person with whom you are infatuated .
You are my beloved life-mate. Thank you for being what I needed at the perfect time. I refuse to imagine my life without you.

Bonus: Have you ever been obsessively “in love” with someone and perhaps borderline clingy? How did you get over your obsession?
How did I get over my obsession? I am still obsessively in love with him. I expect I always will be. I don’t want to get over it. I want that when-I’m-not-with-you-I-feel-like-I’m-missing-a-limb feeling when we are sitting in our wheelchairs at the old folks home, watching the swans swim by at sunset. This is forever love not you’ll-do-because-I-don’t-want-to-be-alone love.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment on the TMI blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Back in the saddle. Again.

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I hate my ass. There. I said it. It was a picture of my fat ass me riding a bike, taken by a friend who was riding behind, combined with my reentry into the lifestyle, that forced me to recognize the truth about my weight and act on it.

I lost more than 60 pounds over the course of a year and adapted as much of a healthy lifestyle as someone who despises vegetables and hates exercise possibly can. Then, 2015 happened. I had multiple, back-to-back health issues that prevented me from sticking to my workout schedule. I watched a few pounds creep back on.

This year, in January, one month after my renewed resolve to get back on the workout train, I exacerbated an injury and found myself in bed for three days, laying there crying. It was the first time I couldn’t get any relief from this particular ailment just by being still. It was horrific. I haven’t worked out since. I’m terrified. I can’t do that pain again.

Not long after I got back on my feet, my world exploded. The dust has cleared. The rubble mostly swept up, though watch out for those missed pieces because they will cut you when you least expect it. Reconstruction has not yet begun. I don’t believe the world will ever look the same as it was in the before. I am hopeful that maybe, maybe, the future won’t be as bleak as it first appeared, while still unable to assess the wreckage through the tears. A few more pounds were added to the scale.

Then, this past week, again, BOOM. Different people. Very similar themes. Again, I blame myself, because that’s what I do. This time, most of the blame truly is likely mine to own. It’s heavy. Crushing really. I feel like Atlas about to be demolished under the weight of it.

What does this have to do with my ass? Also this week, I reverted to old patterns. I could no longer resist the medicinal call of junk food. I did not buy my gateway drug: Donuts. I did buy the largest bag of potato chips I could find. And a breakfast danish thing. And a theater size box of Whoppers. I unpacked the groceries when I got home and realized I hadn’t bought any real food. I hadn’t given a thought to menu planning. I provided for the needs of the boy but it looked like the adults in the house were shit out of luck. Worse, I had not one fuck to give. If I’m being honest, I still don’t.

This morning, while catching up on my blog list, there was Drew, talking about his body image issues and the things he has found don’t work for him in his quest for fitness. I sighed and thought “Yep. Right there with ya buddy.”

So, I’m getting back on the horse. I’m pretty damn sure that my old and busted body won’t tolerate my preferred method of exercise but I can no longer use that as an excuse to do nothing. I will be doing something. Every day. It’s going to suck. I’m deeply unhappy. All I want to do is crawl into my bed, binge watch Supernatural, and eat myself into oblivion. There may be, hell, there will be, days that doing a few donkey kicks is all I can manage. I will never forgive myself if I undo all the hard work that got my body to this point. God knows I don’t need another reason to be unhappy with myself.

I’m doing this. Just as soon as I’ve eaten every last crumb of the crap I bought this week … which shouldn’t take long at all.

TMI Tuesday: The Lusty Month of May

 

1. May 9 – Today is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. How many single socks do you have because the mate got lost?
Zero. My socks get two chances for their mates to show up. If the lost sock doesn’t return, it’s sent to the rag bag.

2. This month is National Bike Month (in the USA), do you own a bike? When is the last time your rode your bike?
I do not own a bike. It’s not true what they say. You can forget how to ride one, as I have. This is why I am voluntarily experiencing a bicycle deficit.

3. Of course we all know it is Masturbation Month. How are you celebrating?
I don’t need a special month for that, LMAO!! I’m not doing a single thing differently than I normally would.

4. As a kid, many of us would think or say, “I don’t ever want to be like my mom (or dad)!” Now that you are grown, which parent do you think you are most like.
I am absolutely much more like my father and thank the gods for that.

5. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
I would not have been raised poor. Being poor inexorably altered the path of my life. Enduring merciless bullying every single day, in and out of school, due to the old hand-me-downs I wore.

Bonus: A lot of people do sexting. Do you ever have sexy talk with a real phone call? Do you rehearse what you are going to say or do it freestyle?
I don’t do sexting at all. (Regular readers will be very familiar with my citations of digital permanence.) Sexy fun times via phone? Sure. Why the heck not? Oddly, no, I don’t rehearse.

I say “oddly” because whenever possible I will run likely conversational scenarios, for people I plan to spend time with, working out probable things to say for each imagined situation. These rehearsals go a long way toward reducing my social anxiety. Just how one would go about rehearsing phone sex is beyond me. It’s organic and there are far too many variables thus making it impossible to work out even a fraction of all scenarios.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment on the TMI blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses.

Fitness Journal: Day 28

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Prompt: What part of your body are the most proud of?

Some twenty-five years ago, I used to be pleased with my body as a whole, then pregnancy, age, and gravity stepped in and, well, you know how that goes. I don’t really have anything left that I’m especially fond of. I do alright when I spend a couple of hours dolling myself up. That’s the best I can say.