My Brain on Bondage

I think too much. I don’t remember it always being this way. I also don’t remember a time it wasn’t this way, if that makes any sense, though it probably doesn’t to anyone but me. I don’t sleep well, sometimes due to outside influence, mostly because my brain has no off switch that I can reach.

Much of this too much thinking revolves around worry. I worry about everything. This is not a conscious choice. There has been many a time that I’ve literally sat crying wishing I could just. stop. worrying. I lay awake at night, the thoughts of the day swirling around in my head, replaying conversations, especially those I wish had gone differently, beating myself up for mistakes, willing myself to remember mistakes lest they should be repeated. It’s not a whole lot of fun and is frustrating to say the least.

My spouse will often remark to me, when I am drowning in a sea of thought, “Why can’t you just let it go? Don’t worry about it!” You see, he has the ability to let everything go, regardless of importance or impact on those around him. I often say, in response to his exasperation, that I have to worry extra hard to make up for his lack of worry. Not fair, I know, and in reality, his ability to worry – or not – likely has very little effect on my worry level.

The off switch on my brain is easily activated when I am forced to surrender to submission. Yes, I know that’s on odd phrase “forced to surrender to submission”.  Here’s the thing, that over-thinking brain I have nearly always gets in the way of submitting. I am so very worried I will do “it” wrong, what ever “it” is.

I cannot just “do” a thing, especially a new thing. I need specific details about the how, and the why, of the thing I am to do. I need information to fill in a complete picture, allowing me to visualize the thing. I have enormous difficulty performing tasks that I cannot visualize. “Go get that thingamajig next to the big bag.” I don’t know what the thingamajig looks like and “big” is subjective. Result? No picture. “Go get the blue thingamajig. It’s square with a black handle. It’s next to the brown canvas bag.” Result? An easily visualized, complete picture … and a whole lot of work for the person directing the task. Kinda defeats the purpose, ya know?

I have been accused of procrastinating, on occasion. It’s not procrastinating. I’m trying to build a picture. Without this, I’m blind. Again, this is not something I can turn off. It would make my life significantly easier if it was. When talking about concepts that are new(ish) to me, I will often ask “what does that look like for you?”. I need the imagery to clarify the concept.

Enter bondage. When I am bound, in any degree, the off switch is activated, and my brain goes quiet. It is miraculous. I can be told to “just sit there”. I’ll do as I’m instructed, sure, and it’s not the same. When I am “just sitting there”, I’m still thinking. Thinking about all of things that came before, all of the things that might come next, in a few moments, tomorrow, next week, opportunities for failure, past failures, how not to repeat past failures, thinking about what other people are thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking.

Restrain me, even just wrists or ankles, attach something as simple as a leash, and suddenly, instantly, I do not have to worry about bills or running the household or tending my child or what to make for dinner or if the laundry is done or being pleasing or if everyone is happy or getting it right or any of the other million things that are near constant themes in my thoughts. I can just be, in the moment.

One of my favorite memories is sitting in shackles watching a movie with my Master. Not a big deal for most, I’m sure. It is for me. I can be sitting with my spouse, watching a movie, and have to pause it so he can fill me in on the ten minutes I missed when I took a trip to Worryville. Not fun. Add shackles, and *poof* I’m fully present.

The more severe the bondage, the less I think. There is nothing to visualize. I don’t need to create pictures. I cannot do it wrong. I lose environment. I lose background noise. I lose sense of self. I lose sense of time. I have even, during prolonged sense dep, on more than one occasion, lost sense of gravity, which can be either terrifying or freeing, depending on some unknown variable that I’ve yet to determine.

Bondage: My brain’s power button.

Sanity

You and I often chat about the pool We swim in and those who share the water with Us. There are a large quantity who have the cray-crays. As such, We assess each other for degrees of sanity making sure that, though We share the pool, We do not share the malady.

Tonight, when I was running my Friday errands, I thought about today’s conversations. I thought about the delightfully deviant things I want to experience with You. I thought about the fact that I asked for breath play. I thought about how I revel in Your control of me both daily and when in Your presence. I thought about whether these things were indicative of insanity – Yours, mine, or both.

My mind skipped to Your words. Your words talking about what You do not allow in my behavior. That word “allow” … from anyone else it would earn, at minimum, an eyebrow and a who-do-you-think-you-are scoff, minimum … from You it is a craving. I feel it at my center. When You said it today I experienced the now familiar flood of moisture as Pussy had her say. (She is murmuring about it now and making it damn difficult to concentrate.)

There was a time when the DSM would have found Us both crazy. I’m sure there are still people in the world that would agree with the now outdated diagnosis. I don’t know why I need from You the things that I do. I know only that We fit. That We augment each others lives in ways I did not know were possible. That We are complete for having found each other. If We are insane to the world populous, then We are eminently sane in the world We have created.

On the other hand, if I confess to insanity will You bind me in Your straitjacket?

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: Endorphins
Today’s funny moment: Monkey puppet dildo covers
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: 1 hour

TMI Tuesday: Taboo, Tickles, and Fantasy

More questions submitted by TMI Tuesday players, on June 16, as a response to that week’s bonus question. Thank you again! This week is all about Taboo, tickles, and fantasy.

taboo_fantasy_tmi_graphic

From http://propertyofpotter.com :
1. What strange areas of your body are ticklish?
I’m not a ticklish sort of person. On the rare occasion that someone has managed it, I’ve found the bottom of my feet to be my Achilles heel (pun intended). That being said, Whartenburg pinwheels make me feel like I’m ticklish absolutely everywhere.

From https://scarletrosevixen.wordpress.com :
2. What is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a purely fantasy level? Something that you think about but could never fully act on.
I’m gonna let this one roll on by …

From http://truepleasuresreviews.com :
3. If you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history but you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life, after that week, would you do it?
(checking) Hmm …. seems like I should have a fish head. I’ve somehow dodged the bullet. Well that’s lucky.

From http://sexualitysanctuary.blogspot.ca :
4. What do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? Was it a great, good, bad or horrific experience?
When I read this question I found it extremely amusing. The last year or so has had me venturing into so many things I could never have imagined experiencing because they were on my ohmygodwhowoulddothat taboo list. Long time followers of INA will undoubtedly know what I’m talking about.

The only one of these things that I would qualify as “bad or horrific” is breath play and the qualification is given begrudgingly. There have been times that breath play has been all kinds of fun. There have been times when I have “lost my shit” because of it. I feel the need to include a disclaimer here: I have never been in any danger as a result of breath play. I have never been “choked out”. I have never passed out. The type of breath play I engage in would be considered mild by most players in that particular game, I’m sure. This does not negate that fact that it can and does scare the bejeezus out of me pretty frequently.

From http://www.shadowedseductress.com :
5. What part of your body do you consider the most unusual that you enjoy being stimulated?
Again, I’m pretty run-of-the-mill. I’ve never had anyone say “you want me to do that where?” I will, however, cite again my reaction the the Whartenburg. Most people have a strong dislike for it or experience it as pain. I do not. I find it hysterical. It makes me squirm and giggle every time.

Bonus:
From http://herprivateisland.com :
If you could make a porn film/video with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
Hmmm … well I’ve always had a thing for Richard Gere but that does not necessarily mean he could flip my switch. He’d have to be into some pretty non-main-stream type stuff. I’m going to say one of the talented guys over at Serious Bondage. (I would have said Jeff Gord but sadly, he is no longer of this earth.)

————

See who else is playing here.

Preparation

In accordance with your instructions I went today and bought my first flags: Gray for bondage and Fuchsia for spanking. When I looked up colors I found it pretty amusing that my favorite color corresponds with one of my favorite activities.

So I’ll be leather flagging, bandana flagging, and tonight I made a leather wrist band for my right wrist. I’ve been wondering how much, if any, will be noticed. If it’s noticed I wonder if any will be understood. If nothing else it’ll give me something to talk about.

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: creativity
Today’s funny moment: “Mom, I like your bras [sic]. It’s very colorful.” I really must find a more private place to cycle my corset.
Sad moment: Most of my day has had a general malaise
Protocol: I read all about hanky codes and how to fold hankies today. It’s fabric origami. I’m about as talented at it as I would be with paper origami. Tomorrow is another day.
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 23″ am, 22.25″ pm

Ten day challenge #9

Two images that describe your life right now and why.

joy

This girl is joyful. She is surrendering to what lay ahead of her. She is throwing her hands up, ready to embrace whatever may be. She is the embodiment of how I feel. Most importantly, she is on tip-toe. For some reason, I find myself on my toes whenever I kiss Him.

sleep1This was not my first choice. My first instinct was to find a pic of a submissive kneeling at her master’s feet. That is where I feel most myself; kneeling at His feet. Chatting, laughing, submitting – as long as I’m kneeling before Him it doesn’t matter what we’re doing.

When I could not find a decent image portraying that concept, I went with the next best thing: sleep sacks, sensory deprivation, and bondage. Those are my favorite things to do (and they are harder to come by than kneeling). Yum – mee.