We

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Have you ever been alone in a relationship? Have you ever been alone while in bed with your spouse?

Until recently, in the historic perspective of my life, I was alone. I heard the word “we” often. We better get to work. We have to do something about his behavior. We need to pick up more detergent.

In all of these cases, and many more, the We really meant you – You better get to work because the team is going to miss the due date and it’ll be blamed on you. You have to come up with and implement a strategy that will get the little man back on track. You need to remember to pick up detergent at the market.

Then my Boy came into my life. He has said we from the very beginning. I’m sure of it, though I did not hear it until very recently. He and I were talking about one of my persistently fluctuating health issues. He said, and I will never forget this, which is saying something if you know anything about my memory, he said “We still don’t know what it is.”

He meant that we. He meant it as it is defined in the OED. He meant the two of us. He meant we will do this together, no matter what it takes. He meant I am by your side. He meant we are partners, facing whatever life brings.

I still hear the echos of that we. The we that was so very different from any we before. I hear it when I lay in the dark. I hear it when I obsess about all the things in life that are beyond my control. I heard it today when the little man asked how I was and I told him honestly. He replied “Maybe you should go to the doctor.” I thought, There’s that you, again. Then I heard we and was reminded of all the promise held by those two letters.

Is not! Is too!

A few days ago I wrote a post taking a look at humiliation and how subjective humiliation can be. My brain can’t let go of this subject. Last night I lay awake categorizing things that either are or are not humiliating for me. At first glance, all was black and white: This act is. This act is not. Sometime later, still laying awake, gray areas emerged. Well this isn’t as long as it’s in private but I don’t want anyone else seeing me do it. or That’s ok with family but I don’t want to do that in front of/with strangers.

Note: It can be assumed when I speak of “public”, I’m speaking of those of like mind, not muggle folk. I don’t believe in intentional play, or related activities, in front of those outside the lifestyle.

As a result of a sleepless night, I offer the following:

Humiliating

  • Any of the following being applied to me: cunt, slut, whore, stupid
  • Referring to my orifices as “holes”
  • Being spit at or on
  • Being publicly disciplined (public in this case means anyone present/in ear shot other than myself and the Top)
  • Any play involving the face (slapping, pinching, etc)
  • Being laughed at for any reason – Admittedly the line of laughed at / laughed with is blurry for me. I often cannot tell the difference.
  • Having my TBI disclosed to anyone for any reason
  • Fumbling/forgetting protocol – Interestingly enough, I find this humiliating even if no one else seems to notice. I usually dwell on it for several days.

Not Humiliating

Most forms of play including but not limited to –

  • Impact play: whipped, flogged, paddled, spanked, etc
  • Sense Dep
  • Sleep Sack
  • Kneeling at His feet
  • Bondage
  • Hoods
  • Collar
  • Leash
  • Encasement

Context Dependent

  • Play in hotel hallways
  • Crawling
  • Nudity
  • Penetration
  • Gags
  • Orgasms
  • Failing
  • Exercise
  • Dancing
  • Running
  • Being treated as on object/property – This is a tough one. It is most often highly desirable and can be, though exceedingly rare, humiliating depending on context. Occasionally, I cannot explain, even after the fact, the why of desire vs. humiliation. I do not fully understand this part of who I am, though it is not for lack of introspection.
  • Water sports
  • Anal play
  • Costumes

I’d be very interested in discussion/comments from readers of where these (or things of your own) fall on the list. Are there acts you do happily for your One, privately, that are less than desirable when among others?

 

Wrong.

I read this post the other day. I literally read the first sentence and thought “WRONG!” I did plow on through the rest of the post, admittedly colored by the outrage I still felt from that first sentence. This is what floored me:

The job of a dominant is to bring contentment to those who submit.

Granted I’m not a dominant. If I may respond from my position as an s-type; (and I will since this is my space) No … just no … that’s not your job! This is so backward and foreign I want to give the author the benefit of the doubt and say that can’t be what he meant. It is not my Master’s job to be sure I’m content. I am in my Master’s life to bring Him contentment, to be there for Him, to make sure He is happy.

I defy any submissive to approach a prospective D-type and say “Your job is to make me content.” I cannot imagine a dynamic that one-sided on either side of the slash. A Dominant works every day to provide the structure in the dynamic. I should thank Him by also making Him responsible for my emotional well being? Not just no but, hell no!

If you are new to dominance, you need to be strong enough for the both of you, or in some cases, the several of you.

It is writings like this that pour fuel on the I’m a special little snowflake entitled submissive attitudes that infuriate me. I don’t need anyone to be strong for me. I can and will be strong for myself. Any relationship I am in has support from both partners involved. It is not always 50/50. There are days when I need 75% and there are days when I give 75%.

My point is this: No one should enter into any relationship expecting to give everything or to take everything. That level of expectation is unrealistic and unsustainable. I would love to believe that I can be all, do all for my partner. I would like to believe it. I also know it simply isn’t possible. We all have our limitations. Even Dominants.

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Prompting Growth

Tonight I was looking for journal prompts because my Well of Creativity is dry for the moment. During my search I found two things that were intended to be separate prompts and rode the same train of thought in my mind:

  • “If I have to do something out of the ordinary for me, than we are not a match. I am going to be myself for the foreseeable future, so if that does not inspire submission now, it never will.” ~ Flagg

I read this one and thought Uhm … if a submissive only does things that s/he considers to be “ordinary” or comfortable how on earth are they going to experience growth? Not finding that prompt to be worthy of a post, I moved on and found this:

  • What depth does someone need to be taken to to grow?

It’s not necessarily about depth. It is about discomfort. They are called growing pains for a reason. Growth is uncomfortable. Doing things outside of one’s comfort zone can be painful. It can be emotionally agonizing. If not properly supported with positive feedback, it can be traumatic. An individual can be left feeling as though they stuck their neck out and are now alone, twisting in the wind. When done with the proper support, growth can be illuminating, inspiring, joy inducing, and/or flat-out magical.

I don’t know what the author of the query prompt meant by “depth”. I do know that being pushed requires a deep level of trust. Not every s-type is capable of this level nor is every D-type worthy of this level. Trust that the individual asking knows the one being asked is able to perform this thing, no matter how difficult it may be physically or emotionally. Trust that if one attempts this thing and fails that support will be there in the aftermath. Trust that the one asking the thing to be done knows the limitations of the one being asked and can push those limitations safely.

I have been pushed. I have been pushed hard. I have been shoved on several occasions when I thought there wasn’t any possible way I could do the thing being asked. I am fortunate that I have You. That You know what I am capable of, even when I don’t – especially when I don’t. You believe that I can when I am certain I cannot. You believe in me enough for both of Us.

Thank you for that. Thank you for pushing/shoving/pressing me into being a better person, for myself and for You. Recently the question was asked if You are worth my time. You are worth far more than I will ever be able to give/show You.

My level of appreciation for You and everything You do for me, my child, my marriage cannot be accurately expressed verbally because the language that would do it justice has not been created. I will work on expressing my gratitude and appreciation eloquently and more often. You need to hear it, however inadequate the words may be.

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: Tissues
Today’s funny moment: “What does that mean? You made furniture?”
Sad moment: n/a
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters 12 ounces
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: n/a

Stuff

  • Every once in a while You assign attributes that do not belong to me. Today, I was crabby and out of sorts for no identifiable reason. I said as much to You. You said You thought You were not getting the whole story, that I was keeping something from You.

Please hear me: I do not/will not/cannot withhold anything from You. The last time I willfully kept something from You was when I had my health scare. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time because I didn’t have all of the answers. That was just about a year ago. I am no longer that person. You are my chosen Mate. You are my Master. You are my Best Friend. I tell You absolutely everything. I can no longer imagine it being any other way. Please know that if I know what’s going on with me, even if it’s just a whisper of an idea, I will tell You.

  • Twice this past weekend You did something for me. Twice You held me when I needed it, without my saying a word. I don’t have words for the impact those two gestures had for me.

– You held me smack dab in the middle of play. I don’t have a complete memory of this. I remember only that I was having an incredibly difficult time of it. You were pushing me, driving me ever harder. You gave pause and allowed me to hold You. I remember clinging to You as one drowning clings to a life ring thrown in the water. I remember my disbelief that it was being allowed. I do not know how long I held onto You. It may have been seconds – It may have been several minutes. I know only that it gave me a second wind, the ability to say the words “I don’t quit” with conviction.

– You checked in with me some minutes after a reprimand. I sat at the table and was having a hell of a time not crying. The pain and general stress of the weekend had caught up with me and was now muddied with the knowledge that I had disappointed You.

When You called me to You, I thought You had remembered something else I had done wrong that needed to be addressed. I thought I would be crying by the time I reached You. Instead, You were gentle. You talked with me. You held me and suddenly I was able to take a full breath again. (I’m swallowing a lump in my throat even now thinking about it.) The correction still hurt but knowing You were not angry and/or disgusted by me helped. It gave me mental space to process what You had said I needed to work on, instead of having my head space jangling with worry about anger.

  • Thank you for loving me enough to be gentle. I don’t have much of that in my life. I need/crave Your touch. You ground me with it. You keep things in perspective. You quiet my mind. You heal me.

…………………………….
Today I am grateful for: The sound of Your voice
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: the inexplicable pall that covered most of my day
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: n/a
Hood: 1 hour