Back in the saddle. Again.

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I hate my ass. There. I said it. It was a picture of my fat ass me riding a bike, taken by a friend who was riding behind, combined with my reentry into the lifestyle, that forced me to recognize the truth about my weight and act on it.

I lost more than 60 pounds over the course of a year and adapted as much of a healthy lifestyle as someone who despises vegetables and hates exercise possibly can. Then, 2015 happened. I had multiple, back-to-back health issues that prevented me from sticking to my workout schedule. I watched a few pounds creep back on.

This year, in January, one month after my renewed resolve to get back on the workout train, I exacerbated an injury and found myself in bed for three days, laying there crying. It was the first time I couldn’t get any relief from this particular ailment just by being still. It was horrific. I haven’t worked out since. I’m terrified. I can’t do that pain again.

Not long after I got back on my feet, my world exploded. The dust has cleared. The rubble mostly swept up, though watch out for those missed pieces because they will cut you when you least expect it. Reconstruction has not yet begun. I don’t believe the world will ever look the same as it was in the before. I am hopeful that maybe, maybe, the future won’t be as bleak as it first appeared, while still unable to assess the wreckage through the tears. A few more pounds were added to the scale.

Then, this past week, again, BOOM. Different people. Very similar themes. Again, I blame myself, because that’s what I do. This time, most of the blame truly is likely mine to own. It’s heavy. Crushing really. I feel like Atlas about to be demolished under the weight of it.

What does this have to do with my ass? Also this week, I reverted to old patterns. I could no longer resist the medicinal call of junk food. I did not buy my gateway drug: Donuts. I did buy the largest bag of potato chips I could find. And a breakfast danish thing. And a theater size box of Whoppers. I unpacked the groceries when I got home and realized I hadn’t bought any real food. I hadn’t given a thought to menu planning. I provided for the needs of the boy but it looked like the adults in the house were shit out of luck. Worse, I had not one fuck to give. If I’m being honest, I still don’t.

This morning, while catching up on my blog list, there was Drew, talking about his body image issues and the things he has found don’t work for him in his quest for fitness. I sighed and thought “Yep. Right there with ya buddy.”

So, I’m getting back on the horse. I’m pretty damn sure that my old and busted body won’t tolerate my preferred method of exercise but I can no longer use that as an excuse to do nothing. I will be doing something. Every day. It’s going to suck. I’m deeply unhappy. All I want to do is crawl into my bed, binge watch Supernatural, and eat myself into oblivion. There may be, hell, there will be, days that doing a few donkey kicks is all I can manage. I will never forgive myself if I undo all the hard work that got my body to this point. God knows I don’t need another reason to be unhappy with myself.

I’m doing this. Just as soon as I’ve eaten every last crumb of the crap I bought this week … which shouldn’t take long at all.

Fitness Journal: Day 30

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Prompt: New weight/measurements! How do you feel? Are you going to continue to get healthier? What are you plans for next month?

Well, my weight is right back where it was some 30 days ago, thanks to the holidays. I did not gorge or eat a bunch of foods I should not have been eating (except for Christmas breakfast). Because everyone was home for two weeks, I ate more frequently and larger meals than I would have if home alone.

While I’m disappointed, I’m not crushed. I made the choice to begin this, prior to the holiday season, knowing it could backfire. Yes, I gained back a couple of pounds (and that really is all we’re talking about here) but I also got back into the habit of exercising every day. I missed only two days the entire time, and one of them was Christmas day, so there is that.

I will continue to do my thing, in the way I’m doing it. It’s proven to work, when I stick with it. Additionally, I’m physically well enough to resume waist training. I have my new trainer in hand and have begun seasoning it.

My final goal is 20″, which for me will be a 7″ reduction. I know this is attainable. When I had to stop for medical reasons, unrelated to training, I was already 22″. Now, I’m … well … let’s just say I’m not at 22″ anymore. I have to gain back that ground and gain those two additional inches. I know that once I’m at 22″, it’s going to take a very long time to get the last two. I’m okay with that, as long as I do get them eventually.

Fitness Journal: Day 24

Prompt: How do you feel about the “pro-ana” and “thinspo” community of weight loss on tumblr?

(Confession time: I had to look up thinspo.)

People are going to seek out others to make them feel as if they are not alone, as if what they do is acceptable, the norm, etc. Everyone wants to feel good about who they are and how they live their lives. This applies if they are anorexic or sadists or leather lovers or balloon enthusiasts or binge eaters.

I freely admit that there are times when I wish I could go through my days eating whatever I want to get happy, and then vomit it back out so my addiction wouldn’t be evident on my waistline/ass/thighs.

Thinking rationally, I recognize this would only be trading one addiction for another. There is part of me that says it’s a darn good thing I hate to throw up. This is the same part that says it’s a good thing alcohol tastes so vile.

I don’t think the presence of the above mentioned communities makes a significant difference one way or another.

Fitness Journal: Day 22

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Prompt: At what weight did you feel the happiest? Why?

Eesh. This a tough one. I’ll go with the condensed version …

The last time I hit 120 pounds. I was thrilled because I didn’t think I would ever see that number again, especially at my age. It was also combined with new and exciting life experiences. I felt loved, desired, and unique. I was not yet disillusioned and cynical within the lifestyle. I was still full of confidence and ready to take on the world.

Fitness Journal: Day 15

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Prompt: Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, how has it affected your life, weight loss-related or otherwise? If not, would you ever consider it? Why or why not?

I’m most assuredly not a vegetarian. I am a meat-a-tarian. I would never consider becoming vegetarian because I would starve to death. There are very few vegetables that pass through these lips and, I’m told, the ones that do have precious little nutritional value.