Prompt Stress

Prompt: 10 things that really stress me out are…

  • Being among many people – even if I have met the majority of them prior to the occasion – even if all those I know are perfectly nice people
  • Rush hour traffic – the accident that caused my TBI was during morning rush hour.
  • Being a front seat passenger – stress in this situation is amplified if I don’t know the driver extremely well
  • Entertaining in my home – I strongly dislike anyone outside my immediate family unit in my personal space. When social obligations require others to be in my home it can stress me to the breaking point.
  • Being in environments that cause my routine to be disrupted – I am a creature of habit, nearly to the point of ritual. This is born of memory issues. If I do it (whatever “it” is) the same way every single time it is far less likely anything will be forgotten.
  • Not getting adequate sleep – This is two-fold: My already poor memory becomes significantly worse if I am not rested AND my thinking becomes fuzzy. I do not remember instructions that include multiple steps (usually more than two). I will often forget what I’m doing, even if it’s obvious. I have had the experience of holding my toothbrush in my hand and not remembering what to do with it. Disconcerting to say the least.
  • Grocery shopping – Too many people and the probability of forgetting things. Yes, even if they are on the list. Yes, even when I check the list. No, I don’t understand how it happens.
  • Any situation in which I will be judged for any reason.
  • Attending social functions alone – by necessity I have learned to cope with this and have improved a bit in the last year or so. I am still stressed as much as before. I’ve learned to hide it and function from a slightly less angsty place.
  • Being watched – In any situation other than a well rehearsed performance, I find this extremely difficult to tolerate. Any one, any where, any time. I’m not even comfortable watching myself. I spend as little time in front of the mirror as possible. The only exception to this is in the dressing room when the entire cast is shoulder-to-shoulder in front of the mirror. Somehow that makes it acceptable.

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Today I am grateful for: Living with two males who are smart enough to feel the “Leave me the fuck alone” vibe and who are also smart enough to do it.
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: going over December’s schedule
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset:24″ am, 23″pm
Hood: I worked with the newest hood on the overnight. This hood does not cause ear pain with ear buds (for white noise) as with the kissing hood. I woke after two hours and decided to see how well seated the ear buds were and what it would take to dislodge them. They were seated relatively well however, I do not believe they will stay in place during play. Several stout tugs on the wire had them out the base of the hood which was snugly laced and tied.

Grouchy pants

I started a thought provoking entry earlier today with the intent of finishing it this evening. I now find myself in a really pissy mood and I can’t shut my brain up enough to write anything meaningful. I will finish that other entry because it is worth exploring … just not tonight.

On an unrelated note, the new hood is mostly finished, save the rolled hem and grommeting. Multiple fittings made for significant wetness. I found it interesting that I wasn’t remotely aware of being aroused until I had cleared my work area for the day. Once the distraction was gone, my state of being became so obvious I don’t know how I missed it.

My grouchy pants and I are making cocoa and (hopefully) going to sleep.

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Today I am grateful for: being on the other side of the learning curve
Today’s funny moment: “He didn’t have a pony. If he had a pony I would have given him a ten.”
Sad moment: evolving plans
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: 1 hour

Figuring It Out … or not

I’m sorry about the tears this afternoon. We have already established that I am extremely visual. When You spoke of this rule regarding limitation of speech, I saw this fully formed picture of existing only for You. Your ownership of me creating a perfect bubble around Us that would only be broken if You allowed it. I understood, in those few seconds that the limitation would involve anyone outside of You and I. Then when You continued to explain, and included Yourself in those whom I would not be speaking to, my visualization changed. I was isolated in the bubble. Completely alone.

I thought Well, that will be challenging but I won’t be alone. I’ll still know He’s there. Then You added eye contact restrictions. Then the hood. I felt more than alone, I felt outcast, someone not worthy of being seen much less included.

After You spoke with me about it, I felt better. Thank you for being patient with me. I still don’t like the idea. I want to consume You. I want to bathe in Your presence. Having restrictions on my interaction with You makes me extremely uncomfortable. It feels like having a ticket to the show but being forced to stand in the lobby and watch it on the CCTV.

BUT (Yes, that is a very big “but”)

When I was rolling this whole thing around my brain this afternoon (and evening), I was simultaneously angry/frustrated/aroused. What the heck is that about? I’m wet now thinking about it. My nipples are hard and I’m salivating?! I don’t say WTF all that often. I think, however, that this is a situation that calls for it and so … W?T?F?

I don’t understand how rules that bother me to this degree can also be such a brobdingnagian turn-on. It doesn’t make any sense to me that those things can exist side-by-side, at that intensity, and be provoked by the same exact thing. I don’t understand myself. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

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Today I am grateful for: patience
Today’s funny moment: Japanese commercials
Training: 7 hours
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 23.5am, 23pm

I surrender

I think I’m ready. I know I am as ready as I ever will be and that more time isn’t going to change anything.

I am up to 30 minutes with the breathable ball gag I’m using and have been at that time for a couple of weeks now. I’m able to get through the entire 30 minutes without any sort of panic, though it takes a fair amount of concentration. That 30 minutes is not stopped by emotional issues, rather physical ones. At the end of that time my jaw absolutely shrieks with sharp pain.

I don’t know how this thing I am able to do will translate when I am with You, when I am not in my extremely controlled training environment. The only thing I can tell you with certainty is that I can not do this while hooded, at least not yet. No, I haven’t tried. I have learned, through trial and error, that I can’t close my eyes and stay out of my head. Dwelling in my head while I have the gag in my mouth goes very very bad, very very quickly. I also don’t know how I will be if the gag is not the breathable style with which I have been training.

All of the “I don’t knows” aside, I belong to You. I am surrendering to You and placing this in Your hands.

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Today I am grateful for: completion
Today’s funny moment:
Training: 5 hours 40 minutes
Water: 4 liters 3 ounces
Corset: TFH

Done

I managed to get the correct combination of time and tools together to complete the hood. It came out alright I think. It’s very frustrating to not be certain after all of the effort. I can’t seem to get a decent self-portrait when I’m hooded and, therefore, as blind as a troglobite.

I tried. I sat on my deck. Checked the aim of the camera. I put the hood on. Laced it tight. Took a picture. Removed the hood. Checked the picture and found I had a lovely shot of the right side of my forehead.. I went through this seven or eight times, capturing varying bits of my head. In ninety-five degree heat with a heat index of ninety-nine. I did manage to get a full face shot but by the time I did I was no longer lacing the hood fully.

I still can’t tell how well it fits. It feels like it fits well, for whatever that’s worth.

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Today I am grateful for: completion
Today’s funny moment:
Training: 5 hours 30 minutes
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 23.5am, pm TFH (too freakin’ hot)