My Brain on People.

2015-07-29_134332This weekend I learned that I’m an introvert. Long time readers will say “Well, duh! This is not news to anyone, least of all you!” and they would be right. This weekend I felt extra introverty (It is too, a word).

I was at a lifestyle event attended by hundreds of people. I can be ok with that. I have been ok with that in the past. I stand, mostly silent, by the people I’m with, ducking my head to discreetly close my eyes if I need a visual breather and, as the kids say, it’s all good. The way this particular venue is set up, that style of “I’ll just stand here and look cute” coping mechanism doesn’t work. One has to be and do around seemingly endless chaotic stuff. There is so much seeing and doing. That’s just how it is.

Now, I’m a pretty decent actress. In a group, I can pretend that being bubbly and friendly is effortless. I can even manage to be funny on occasion. I can do it and it’s extraordinarily draining as well as extremely stressful. It’s like being the only one without a script performing in a play. Everyone else seems to know what’s going on – where to stand, what to say, what actions to perform – while I flounder around, completely lost, trying desperately to seem in the know, hoping I don’t embarrass myself or worse, my family. I hear there are people who have nightmares about being naked in public. I have nightmares about not having a script. Truth.

Nearly all of my time was spent chatting or doing for extended periods of time, and often into the wee hours. As is usually the case when one is at an event, there was no chance for quiet, opportunities for sleep were very few and, even when in bed, sleep just didn’t happen. It took more and more to recharge and tiny amounts of recharging were less and less effective each time.

After a couple of days of this, I had marshmallow brain. Professional students will understand what this is. This is how you feel at the close of the semester when all you’ve done, for days on end, is cram for exams, eating crap food and consuming tons of caffeine. Your body craves sleep but you can’t sleep because all of the information you’ve crammed into your brain is smashing into itself like a bunch of coked up psychos in a hyperactive mosh pit. When someone speaks to you, the first few words are missed. You can see their lips moving but cannot register anything they’re saying. Even when you hear words, they often come through as a twisted form of English. “Sock grass nickle frown, know what I mean?”

That’s exactly how it was for me this weekend. Repeating over and over again “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you” and “I don’t understand” ad nauseam. As the weekend wore on, the repetition became less and less helpful as fatigue stacked the deck against me. I don’t imagine I was much fun to be with as my frustration with myself grew to epic levels in direct proportion to the decline of my ability to be of any use to anyone. (Congratulations! You’ve unlocked a new achievement! Epic Stupidity: Level 500! A bunch of broccoli would function more effectively as a brain! Find a chair and sit in it because that’s all you’re good for.)

It was a great opportunity that I was/am enormously grateful for AND I feel like I ruined it utterly. I’m still beating myself up about it and, yes, I likely will be for a very long time.

Demons of Doubt

Because I am not worth the time
Because I am not worth the effort
Because I am not worthy of Him
Because I am a white elephant
Because the best service of which I am capable is an absurd parody of what anyone else can do effortlessly
Because He is rehearsing for life without me
Because I am weak
Because my brain is worthless
Because my best is not, nor will ever, even approach being good enough
Because Yes, I am that fucking stupid
Because I worry. About everything. All the time.
Because I am a pain in the ass
Because proximity and convenience are exceedingly more important than anything I offer
Because there isn’t a single thing about me that is special and cannot be easily replaced
Because if I have any hope of remembering, it is in asking why
Because I am not universally welcome there
Because I am incapable
Because I cannot accept compliments with grace
Because I internalize
Because if I’m going to remember something that was said you can be sure it will be negative.
Because He is tired of me
Because starting from square one with someone else is still easier than dealing with me
Because I am not enough
Because if there is a way to assign blame/guilt to myself I will find it, no matter how twisted the logic, usually with very little effort
Because there is nothing I do that cannot be done better, more efficiently, and without discussion by someone else just down the road who will not forget in ten minutes
Because I have more baggage than a transcontinental air bus
Because I have zero self confidence
Because I believe compliments are almost always little white lies people tell in an effort to make me feel good
Because I have no trouble believing that insults, spoken in the heat of the moment, are the cold, hard, unvarnished truth revealed when anger obliterates the filter of kindness
Because I cannot understand what anyone sees in me
Because He has grown weary trying to show me
Because I expect the worst
Because familiarity breeds contempt and I am contemptible
Because we have talked about [insert thing] multiple times and I don’t remember any of it
Because writing down absolutely everything is impossible
Because He has to look for reasons to endure having me in His life
Because I will only remember how I feel
Because the effort:return ratio is abysmal
Because I get headaches
Because I have arthritis
Because I’m only going to get older
Because I am fallible
Because my only consistency is failure
Because He has finally seen me the way I see myself

TMI Tuesday: Things that go bump in the night.

Another Monday, another week, another TMI Tuesday posted. Enjoy Night Time is the Right Time.

Fill in the blank

1. When I can’t sleep I lay awake staring at the ceiling, almost always thinking destructive, cyclical thoughts that guarantee I will not be sleeping the rest of the night .

2. My dream bedroom would be full of pillows and books.

3. If I could wake up anywhere tomorrow it would be in my warm, toasty bed after a full night of blissful, restful sleep .

4. I need to figure out how to get my brain to shut off  at night.

5. Having noses growing in my armpits would truly be a nightmare.

6. Night time is the right time to snuggle under the covers with hot cocoa and a delicious book.

Bonus:  Briefly tell us about your last dream–erotic or not.

Last night I dreamed that the ceiling in all of my upper rooms collapsed (a common nightmare for me when it’s raining). Because the damage was so severe, we opted to put in cathedral ceilings, which is odd because the roof structure had not changed therefore, there wasn’t room for cathedral ceilings. Then again, I often defy the laws of physics in dreams so I suppose it wasn’t all that odd.


How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment on the TMI Tuesday blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Prompt Stress

Prompt: 10 things that really stress me out are…

  • Being among many people – even if I have met the majority of them prior to the occasion – even if all those I know are perfectly nice people
  • Rush hour traffic – the accident that caused my TBI was during morning rush hour.
  • Being a front seat passenger – stress in this situation is amplified if I don’t know the driver extremely well
  • Entertaining in my home – I strongly dislike anyone outside my immediate family unit in my personal space. When social obligations require others to be in my home it can stress me to the breaking point.
  • Being in environments that cause my routine to be disrupted – I am a creature of habit, nearly to the point of ritual. This is born of memory issues. If I do it (whatever “it” is) the same way every single time it is far less likely anything will be forgotten.
  • Not getting adequate sleep – This is two-fold: My already poor memory becomes significantly worse if I am not rested AND my thinking becomes fuzzy. I do not remember instructions that include multiple steps (usually more than two). I will often forget what I’m doing, even if it’s obvious. I have had the experience of holding my toothbrush in my hand and not remembering what to do with it. Disconcerting to say the least.
  • Grocery shopping – Too many people and the probability of forgetting things. Yes, even if they are on the list. Yes, even when I check the list. No, I don’t understand how it happens.
  • Any situation in which I will be judged for any reason.
  • Attending social functions alone – by necessity I have learned to cope with this and have improved a bit in the last year or so. I am still stressed as much as before. I’ve learned to hide it and function from a slightly less angsty place.
  • Being watched – In any situation other than a well rehearsed performance, I find this extremely difficult to tolerate. Any one, any where, any time. I’m not even comfortable watching myself. I spend as little time in front of the mirror as possible. The only exception to this is in the dressing room when the entire cast is shoulder-to-shoulder in front of the mirror. Somehow that makes it acceptable.

Today I am grateful for: Living with two males who are smart enough to feel the “Leave me the fuck alone” vibe and who are also smart enough to do it.
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: going over December’s schedule
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset:24″ am, 23″pm
Hood: I worked with the newest hood on the overnight. This hood does not cause ear pain with ear buds (for white noise) as with the kissing hood. I woke after two hours and decided to see how well seated the ear buds were and what it would take to dislodge them. They were seated relatively well however, I do not believe they will stay in place during play. Several stout tugs on the wire had them out the base of the hood which was snugly laced and tied.


I did not manage to get to sleep until sometime after 4:30 this morning. I was too amped up from the event and jittery from talking about play possibilities with You. All those ideas planted in my head, swirling around, creating mental scenes both delicious and horrifying.

When I did get to sleep, the scenes continued. You and I played in my dreamland the rest of the morning. We played hard and You pushed me nearly to breaking. When You saw that I couldn’t take anymore without shattering, You laid me on the bed, held me, and told me over and over that I had done well and how You were proud to own me. Then in the next dream it would start all over again.

When I woke, I was aroused at a level I have not been for a very long time. I don’t know where I found the control to not touch myself. I waited, hands on my head, to get out of bed until I could think about something, anything, other than what We had been doing in my dreams. Even then, snippets visited me during the day.

For the record: Pussy may be confused about the breath play hood. I am not. I’m terrified of that damn thing. I am extremely aroused by the ultimate control that it presents. I do not find having to fight for breath for long periods of time arousing. At all. I am Your fucktoy. I endure because it brings You joy.

Today I am grateful for: a couple of headache-free hours
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: waking without You after amazingly realistic dream romping
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm
Hood: n/a