Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. ~John Wooden

I heard this and thought. Hm. Maybe that’s the issue I’m having with discovering that I have an inner Sadist* It is an assault to my character.

I see myself as a kind, caring, empathetic individual. I’m genuinely concerned when I see others in pain, be it emotional or physical. I have given handouts to pan handlers because I don’t believe I’m here to judge whether they are addicts, mentally ill, or someone who’s had a streak of bad luck. I care. I want to help. When my people are hurting, I hurt. It is important to me that those around me, especially those I love, are happy and comfortable.

Given all of that, imagine my surprise when I realized how much I enjoy inflicting consensual pain. I’m not exaggerating when I say I struggle with it. Last night, during a discussion about that very thing, I made a declarative statement about how much I want to hurt people. Not a remarkable thing to hear in a dungeon space. Quite remarkable for me to say it without first beating back the thought that I’m a horrible person for feeling that way. The fact that I said it, I believe for the first time, without thinking there must be something wrong with me, is significant progress. I almost want that feeling back, that wrongness. Reflecting on this today, I had the feeling that there must be something wrong with me for not thinking something is wrong with me.

Perhaps what is most interesting to me about this evolution of my character, is that I do not now, nor have I ever, believed there is anything wrong with the individual who causes me pain. If I have no concerns about His psyche, or the psyche of anyone who inflicts consensual pain for that matter, then why all the internal hubbub about mine? Why this penchant for casting myself as some evil “other”, as if no one else on the planet shares this hideous, warped trait?

I’m pretty sure it is because sadism* is the polar opposite of who I thought myself to be. It might also be that if I embrace this truth about myself, then there is a fear about what else might be lurking inside, waiting to rear is socially unacceptable head. Am I not already enough of a freak?

Additionally, because I am evolving in a very public manner, my reputation and character are changing in tandem. Because, ya’ know, there isn’t enough pressure when altering the fiber of your being. Let’s add an audience.

*The generally accepted lifestyle definition, not the DSM diagnosis.

Fun fact #136

Training makes my horny. I had forgotten. I have felt bad for so long I nearly forgot I had lady bits. I trained today and it was as if my body said “Oh! That’s right! There they are! I remember those. Thanks for reminding me. Now that they’re awake let’s do something. What? What do you mean we can’t? Well … fine then. You do what you want but they’re here and I’m gonna make sure you don’t forget that for a very long time.”

Yup. Sounds about right. Oddly, I don’t mind. I’m just glad I feel well again.


Shock and Appreciation

I am grateful to have You in my life. It is important that You know that. You said to me once before we met that when You touched me it would change my life. That I would never be the same. I remember my skepticism before, my near instant arousal during, and my shock after. I remember chuckling to myself and shaking my head over how prophetic You had been. I remember driving aimlessly, my brain so clouded with lust that I couldn’t find the entrance to the highway.

Here We are, going on two years later. I still have frequent moments with You that stun me just as effectively as that very first time. You show me something new about myself, about who We are together, every time We experience each other.

Today, talking about scenarios for Our next meet … quite possibly the hottest words ever spoken: I need you to crawl around for me. When You said that to me, I had one of those stunned moments. I knew I enjoyed that part of Our play. I did not know the level until I heard those words today.

As Our conversation continued, You knew exactly what buttons to push to whip me into a hyper-aroused state in barely any time at all. I adore how easy it is for You … that You don’t even have to touch me to get me there.

All of the vanilla things You do for me – the travel, the new foods, the walks around unfamiliar cities – all of those things are wonderful. I know I would not have them in my life without You. They are the icing on the cake that is Our chemistry … the way We effortlessly fit. I am extremely lucky. I know this. I offer gratitude in my ritual at the start of every day.

Today I am grateful for: You
Today’s funny moment: Trixie doing laps
Sad moment: technology trouble
Protocol: n/a
Water: 5 liters
Corset: 24″ am, 23.5″
Hood: 90 minutes

The elephant in the tub

I read this today:

{{And he did. And it was glorious. I’d forgotten how hot and intimate and objectifying and possessive/territorial …  felt; it was wonderful to be reminded.}} Emphasis mine

I have been thinking about You marking me since Our last time together. About how conflicted I was when You said I had to ask for it. Pussy and Brain were screaming at each other in a Battle Royale.

I felt the time ticking by as I tried to verbalize what I wanted. I knelt there in fear that You would take away the option before I could get the words out. The level of my desire for this act felt intrinsically wrong. I could not understand why I wanted this thing that is a hard limit for so many. That is, in fact, included in my now-invalid hard limits. You made me ask for it. I could no longer pretend that I sit passively by and allow You to do this thing “to me”. You made me an active participant. I was ashamed that I wanted it.

Then today I read the excerpt above. The author gave voice to how I felt. She encapsulated it perfectly. I am Yours. This thing that we do, this type of marking, highlights Your possession. It will be a long time before Brain and Pussy will be in agreement. I’m glad I have begun to have an understanding of what Pussy has been making so much noise about.

Today I am grateful for: a comfy bed
Today’s funny moment: n/a
Sad moment: Nope. Not allergies.
Protocol: I’ve been thinking about assisting backstage. I’m not sure what the protocol is for this. What is the hierarchy? Is she at a sister level? A Domme level? I would like some guidance on this.
Water: 5 liters
Corset: not worn
Hood: n/a

TMI Tuesday: Taboo, Tickles, and Fantasy

More questions submitted by TMI Tuesday players, on June 16, as a response to that week’s bonus question. Thank you again! This week is all about Taboo, tickles, and fantasy.


From http://propertyofpotter.com :
1. What strange areas of your body are ticklish?
I’m not a ticklish sort of person. On the rare occasion that someone has managed it, I’ve found the bottom of my feet to be my Achilles heel (pun intended). That being said, Whartenburg pinwheels make me feel like I’m ticklish absolutely everywhere.

From https://scarletrosevixen.wordpress.com :
2. What is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a purely fantasy level? Something that you think about but could never fully act on.
I’m gonna let this one roll on by …

From http://truepleasuresreviews.com :
3. If you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history but you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life, after that week, would you do it?
(checking) Hmm …. seems like I should have a fish head. I’ve somehow dodged the bullet. Well that’s lucky.

From http://sexualitysanctuary.blogspot.ca :
4. What do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? Was it a great, good, bad or horrific experience?
When I read this question I found it extremely amusing. The last year or so has had me venturing into so many things I could never have imagined experiencing because they were on my ohmygodwhowoulddothat taboo list. Long time followers of INA will undoubtedly know what I’m talking about.

The only one of these things that I would qualify as “bad or horrific” is breath play and the qualification is given begrudgingly. There have been times that breath play has been all kinds of fun. There have been times when I have “lost my shit” because of it. I feel the need to include a disclaimer here: I have never been in any danger as a result of breath play. I have never been “choked out”. I have never passed out. The type of breath play I engage in would be considered mild by most players in that particular game, I’m sure. This does not negate that fact that it can and does scare the bejeezus out of me pretty frequently.

From http://www.shadowedseductress.com :
5. What part of your body do you consider the most unusual that you enjoy being stimulated?
Again, I’m pretty run-of-the-mill. I’ve never had anyone say “you want me to do that where?” I will, however, cite again my reaction the the Whartenburg. Most people have a strong dislike for it or experience it as pain. I do not. I find it hysterical. It makes me squirm and giggle every time.

From http://herprivateisland.com :
If you could make a porn film/video with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
Hmmm … well I’ve always had a thing for Richard Gere but that does not necessarily mean he could flip my switch. He’d have to be into some pretty non-main-stream type stuff. I’m going to say one of the talented guys over at Serious Bondage. (I would have said Jeff Gord but sadly, he is no longer of this earth.)


See who else is playing here.