Training makes my horny. I had forgotten. I have felt bad for so long I nearly forgot I had lady bits. I trained today and it was as if my body said “Oh! That’s right! There they are! I remember those. Thanks for reminding me. Now that they’re awake let’s do something. What? What do you mean we can’t? Well … fine then. You do what you want but they’re here and I’m gonna make sure you don’t forget that for a very long time.”
Yup. Sounds about right. Oddly, I don’t mind. I’m just glad I feel well again.
I did not manage to get to sleep until sometime after 4:30 this morning. I was too amped up from the event and jittery from talking about play possibilities with You. All those ideas planted in my head, swirling around, creating mental scenes both delicious and horrifying.
When I did get to sleep, the scenes continued. You and I played in my dreamland the rest of the morning. We played hard and You pushed me nearly to breaking. When You saw that I couldn’t take anymore without shattering, You laid me on the bed, held me, and told me over and over that I had done well and how You were proud to own me. Then in the next dream it would start all over again.
When I woke, I was aroused at a level I have not been for a very long time. I don’t know where I found the control to not touch myself. I waited, hands on my head, to get out of bed until I could think about something, anything, other than what We had been doing in my dreams. Even then, snippets visited me during the day.
For the record: Pussy may be confused about the breath play hood. I am not. I’m terrified of that damn thing. I am extremely aroused by the ultimate control that it presents. I do not find having to fight for breath for long periods of time arousing. At all. I am Your fucktoy. I endure because it brings You joy.
……………………………. Today I am grateful for: a couple of headache-free hours Today’s funny moment: n/a Sad moment: waking without You after amazingly realistic dream romping Protocol: n/a Water: 4 liters Corset: 24″ am, 24″ pm Hood: n/a
So I’ve been trying to shake this irrational fear that I have now. Since our last anal adventure and the accompanying injury, I have had a little voice in the back of my head giving me agida about all things anal. “Be careful” it says “Be more careful than that … you’re going to hurt yourself … uh oh … that discomfort is going to become pain .. better be safe and take it out… take it out .. take it out now!”
This voice is the primary reason my training has slowed to what feels like a crawl. I can no longer just pop in a plug and go to bed when DH’s home. I have to skip the night’s he’s home. I’m restricted to during the day. Most often during my morning nap. There is no doing it quickly anymore. I understand you aren’t a big fan of the “jam it and go” method of installation. It’s not my favorite either but given jam and go or not at all, in the past I have jammed and jammed often.
I can’t anymore. Not even maybe. On good days it takes a solid fifteen minutes to have the plug where it belongs and I’ve had it take as long as a full 45 minutes. I know it’s psychological. I understand there is little to no rationale behind the thoughts. I get it. I can’t shut the voice up no matter how much logic I throw at it.
Now, knowing that I’m going to be seeing you in less than 48 hours (Whee!), I’m nervous. Nervous that I won’t be able to play at the level you need. Nervous that I’ll end up hurt again. Nervous that my nerves will make things so much worse than they have to be. Nervous like I’ve never done this before, which is just plain absurd.
Maybe getting drunk Friday night isn’t such a bad plan.
……………………………. Today I am grateful for: All things leather Today’s funny moment: They’re so flat it’s like poking a little boy. Sad moment: n/a Water: 5 (count ’em, 5!) liters Corset: 23″ am, removed to push the Great Hydration of 2013
I’ve been having a heck of time lately. This not being able to train thing is really fucking with me. Some of it is hormonal, I know. Most of it is me obsessing about when I’ll be able to get back to it, complicated by the worry that my muscle memory will be gone and it will feel like I’m starting all over again.
I’ve decided to let it go. Obsessing about it will not have me resuming training any quicker. It is, in fact, making how I feel about the whole thing worse. Not having a specific Officially Healed date to count on is also fucking with me. I don’t do uncertainty well at all.
I have somehow linked training to my connection with You. That’s just plain silly. We were who we are before I began training. We did not cease to be who we are because I’m on hiatus from this one act.
A very long time ago a wise man said It is not what we do but how we feel. I forgot that somewhere along the way. I’m putting the glass down.
……………………………. Today I am grateful for: Benadryl Today’s funny moment: – Training: none Water: 4 liters +3 ounces Corset: not worn – numb thigh