Fitness Journal: Day 25


Prompt:  What is a type of workout that you never expected to enjoy but now love?

I thoroughly enjoy beating people (consensually). I find it extremely amusing when a bottom says to me “Ma’am, are you sweating?” or the ever popular “You’re breathing hard. Are you okay?” I’ve had both of these things said to me by different boys after an hour of non-stop impact play.

You’re damn right I’m sweating. I’m in head-to-toe fetish attire and I’ve been doing aerobics for an hour, in heels! Put all of your clothes back on and come on this side of the paddle. See if you don’t sweat. I dare ya.

Play is not (always) a euphemism for sex

There is a bit of a hubub brewing on fet about a post that suggested playing with someone is not the same as having sex with them and, therefore, was/is just fine in the context of the OP’s monogamous relationship. I came across a splinter discussion, as so often happens in fet land, which continued to explore this idea. The folks in the splinter discussion spoke in absolutes so emphatically that it got me thinking.

Since I began Topping, I have maintained that when I Top, it is not at all sexual for me. I also recognize that my bottoms may feel twitchy in their special place. I’m ok with that. Some of the discussion I read, made the argument that having a scene with someone is “intimate”. (I put that in quotes because it’s what was said, not because I’m being snide, as quotations can sometimes indicate.) I get that a scene can be incredibly intimate. I have a bottom who frequently states that when he scenes with me it is as if we are alone in the dungeon. His focus is entirely on me. It’s just the two of us. He forgets there are people watching. I’ve had that experience as a submissive. I understand entirely what he is saying.

When I Top a casual play partner it is not at all intimate or sexual for me. It is no different than a surgeon and a patient. I am gathering skills. I am deciding how best to apply my scalpel to serve this patient most effectively. (That’s a metaphorical scalpel, by the way. Intentional blood play is a hard limit.) I am instigating reactions. I am assessing pain tolerance. I am monitoring breathing and muscle tension. It is clinical.

I am as straight as they come yet I will Top a female just as readily as I will Top a male. In my community the females tend to be more fleshy. That’s a whole different way of Topping and a lot more real estate with which to cause pain. Fun, fun fun. Yes, please and, no, I will not be penetrating nor interacting with their genitalia. They will have to get their orgasm play elsewhere. It is no more sexual than a surgeon and the gall bladder she is removing.

That being said, I’m having all kinds of fun in the same way a surgeon loves what she does. I thoroughly enjoy finding new ways to cause pain. I love pushing my bottoms to take more than they have previously. I am comforted by knowing that every scene I have makes me a better Top as I gain more experience.

Ethically, I have zero challenges with casually Topping as many people as I possibly can.  If two people are in the same scene, can one have a sexual experience and the other be entirely focused on the mechanics of it? You betcha. Does that mean that the person not having a sexual response is, by association, having sex with the other? Nope. Not any more than the actress on the big screen is having sex with the guy in the tenth row covering his now bulging crotch with the popcorn bucket because my-god-she-has-fabulous-tits. Do I believe those who are monogamous can have multiple platonic play partners and still define themselves as monogamous? Absolutely.


I have been sitting apparently staring out the window at the falling snow, while in reality seeing nothing but the scenarios rolling through my head.

I’m heading to the dungeon tonight, assuming the snow stops as forecast. For the first time, I will have my own play bag with my own toys. I already feel like a conspicuous imposter. I’ve been exploring my switchy side for a a bit now and I’m taking that side out on my first planned adventure.

I wrote fet notes to my dungeon compadres, taking an attendance straw poll, hoping for a couple of friendly faces as I officially begin this phase of my journey. Neither of the two women who I look for most often will be there. I was(am) truly disappointed.

This got me thinking about how different things are in the lifestyle. These two females, whom I barely know anything about, I call friends. In the muggle world they would be considered friendly acquaintances yet, in the dungeon, they are friends.

I mentally cataloged the things I know about them. I don’t know any of the tidbits I would know if they brushed my daily life. I don’t know what either of them do for a living. I don’t know the cities in which they live. I don’t know their living situations.

I do know one of them is divorced. I do know the other is not married. I do not know if her husband died or if they are divorced. I know one of them has children. This is only because of the “Hey are you going to [insert event]? – I don’t know. It will depend if I have the kids that weekend.” conversations.

I have seen both of them naked. I have helped both of them dress. Both have solicited me for advice – some casual, some significant. I have seen one of them consensually beat, shock, and torture people. I have seen the other consensually bound, beaten, and crying.

How strange it is this sect which we populate. How interesting the shifting definition of “friend”.

Is not! Is too!

A few days ago I wrote a post taking a look at humiliation and how subjective humiliation can be. My brain can’t let go of this subject. Last night I lay awake categorizing things that either are or are not humiliating for me. At first glance, all was black and white: This act is. This act is not. Sometime later, still laying awake, gray areas emerged. Well this isn’t as long as it’s in private but I don’t want anyone else seeing me do it. or That’s ok with family but I don’t want to do that in front of/with strangers.

Note: It can be assumed when I speak of “public”, I’m speaking of those of like mind, not muggle folk. I don’t believe in intentional play, or related activities, in front of those outside the lifestyle.

As a result of a sleepless night, I offer the following:


  • Any of the following being applied to me: cunt, slut, whore, stupid
  • Referring to my orifices as “holes”
  • Being spit at or on
  • Being publicly disciplined (public in this case means anyone present/in ear shot other than myself and the Top)
  • Any play involving the face (slapping, pinching, etc)
  • Being laughed at for any reason – Admittedly the line of laughed at / laughed with is blurry for me. I often cannot tell the difference.
  • Having my TBI disclosed to anyone for any reason
  • Fumbling/forgetting protocol – Interestingly enough, I find this humiliating even if no one else seems to notice. I usually dwell on it for several days.

Not Humiliating

Most forms of play including but not limited to –

  • Impact play: whipped, flogged, paddled, spanked, etc
  • Sense Dep
  • Sleep Sack
  • Kneeling at His feet
  • Bondage
  • Hoods
  • Collar
  • Leash
  • Encasement

Context Dependent

  • Play in hotel hallways
  • Crawling
  • Nudity
  • Penetration
  • Gags
  • Orgasms
  • Failing
  • Exercise
  • Dancing
  • Running
  • Being treated as on object/property – This is a tough one. It is most often highly desirable and can be, though exceedingly rare, humiliating depending on context. Occasionally, I cannot explain, even after the fact, the why of desire vs. humiliation. I do not fully understand this part of who I am, though it is not for lack of introspection.
  • Water sports
  • Anal play
  • Costumes

I’d be very interested in discussion/comments from readers of where these (or things of your own) fall on the list. Are there acts you do happily for your One, privately, that are less than desirable when among others?


An examination of humiliation

I had an interesting conversation inspired by the description of an event in my local community, that at first seemed cathartic and, on further reading, went straight to my holy-crap-i-could-never-do-that-to/with-someone place. The topic was humiliation.

I am adamant that I don’t do humiliation. I have struggled with self esteem / self worth my entire life. This has not improved with age, relationships, or significant changes in body type. I simply can’t take humiliation even within the confines of a scene. I cannot watch humiliation play in other’s scenes. I empathize so deeply that just watching affects me for days, at least.

During this discussion about humiliation, we were talking about a scene performed in public that several saw as humiliating – with me being the one who was humiliated. It was argued, with this scene as a case in point, that I find humiliation arousing. The conversation then progressed to who decides what is humiliating and what is not. Is it the people watching the scene? Is it the scene Top? Is it the scene bottom?

I have been contemplating this since my conversation several days ago. I believe the answer to this multiple choice question is all of the above. When people who play are watching a scene, they will inevitably identify with the scene participants in some way. If the watchers empathize with the bottom and feel humiliated, then there is humiliation taking place – for the watcher. This applies to any of the other roles cited above.

I offer this admittedly extreme example for illustration:
Top is urinating on kneeling bottom.

Top sees this as marking his property as his. He is not humiliating her. He is honoring her. For him this is no different than placing a collar on her neck.

Bottom does this for him as an act of complete submission. This is a ritual for her, more symbolic than his collar, as she believes collars have become devalued by the community’s arbitrary use of them. For her, this is the pinnacle of being owned.

This scene, in private, is a ritual bordering on sacred because the two participants understand the meaning and importance of what they are doing. It is a beautiful and intense manifestation of their dynamic.

Move this scene to a dungeon and it suddenly becomes all about humiliation. For the majority of those watching this is not only a hard limit but “disgusting” and “how could he do that to her?” and “he must not respect her at all”.

Would those comments still hold true if the Top was ejaculating on the bottom? I theorize they would not, especially if a blow job was the precursor. Then it would be “hot” or “erotic” or “fucking awesome” for the majority of those observing.

I would also argue that moving this scene into the public eye might change the perspective for a participant. Let’s assume the bottom knows how the regulars in her dungeon feel about water sports. She might then, when watched by those who feel vehemently negative toward this activity, be ashamed that she participates in it, indeed, holds it in high regard. She may find outing herself in this way to be humiliating.

If my thoughts about any of this are accurate, how then does a Top, who is playing with a bottom who has humiliation on her hard limits list, handle all of this? My guess would be a whole lot of in depth communication. I’ve said it before, I’ll doubtless say it again. Tops, I’ve seen your job and I don’t want any part of it.