Many a tear has to fall

Today I read this:

I had a scene once. I had been playing pretty much all day..with a spanking here or there with close friends.

Then another close friend that I trusted agreed to single tail me. And it hurt…and I cried. It didn’t hurt in the ouch too hard way. It hit something cathartic I cant explain and the tears just flowed. I trusted my friend, my walls were down and the sensation of crack searing my flesh was over powering. Like it hit my soul.

And I cried out and I cried–the tears flowed and I felt silly that I couldn’t stop them. I wasn’t sad–it was more a relief emotion.

And my friend showed instant concern and care–softly rubbing my back, whispering softly, asking me if I was ok.

My response shocked me. But with some sorta bravado and a giggle as the tears continued like a waterfall…I asked “Do tears scare you?”

And with a hint of a smile, and a very Domly voice commanded me to “Turn Around!” (That was hot!!)

And we went deeper–three rounds deep until I was uncontrollably and freely sobbing. To say it was wonderful to be able to trust and open up that much is an understatement.

Sometimes when I cry now, I remember this day. Not all tears are bad.

This made me think about the times I have cried during play. About how it makes me feel that I’m weak. About how ashamed I am that I failed to be strong. About how crying makes me feel less “hard core”. About how this often happens with my back turned. About how I dread the moment I turn around because I know there are people watching and I’m a mess.

There were several comments on the post, a good many of which stated that the one commenting had never cried during play usually followed with “I wish I could”. Not a single person said they didn’t want to cry, or that they are embarrassed when they do. A few said they find it, or would find it, cathartic. Cathartic!? I don’t get that at all. How is failure perceived as catharsis?

I can remember the early days of play when there were no tears. I wonder what’s changed. Is the play significantly more challenging now? Is it somehow more emotional? Is the pain that much more intense? Am I no longer guarded? Is it a combination of all of these? Is it something else entirely? I wonder if I could prevent the tears if I wanted to, but then, they aren’t a conscious choice. There have been times that I’ve not been aware of them. It just … happens. How do I prevent something that I’m not consciously aware of? Should I even try? Does it matter?


/rant on

This is a very nice plug for a play space. Buried in the post is this bit of tripe:

Protocol often involves more than just the D and the s; many subs have rules when it comes to speaking or interacting with those outside of their relationship… I take zero issue with this, in part because I have never seen it forced on bystanders. For the most part, people are understanding if someone doesn’t feel comfortable recognizing the roleplay of others. And it is roleplay, no matter how immersive.

and she goes on to a CYA comment

That doesn’t give it any less validity. It’s what they’re here for. That’s where their happy place is. I can comprehend that in a very powerful and vicarious way.

Excuse me?!?!? Protocol is role play? Uhm … no … just no. I desperately wanted to tell this bit of a girl exactly what I thought of her statements. The unmitigated gall of this girl!

Is how one behaves during church services role play? How about the classroom? At a funeral? No, no, and NO! Of course not and no one would say that it is.

Protocol: a system of rules that explain the correct conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations. Hmmm let me re-read that …. nope nothing about role playing there. Nothing at all. Why is that? Because it’s not role play!

Man, she seriously pissed me off. The thing is, she made the statement out of blind ignorance. I don’t believe she intended to offend anyone. I have to believe it was ignorance. The ignorance of a very young girl speaking without thought of consequence. Seems to me that she could benefit from some protocol of her own.

/rant off



We have observed some situations in Our play that scare me. These things also seem to be arousing. I have been giving this a great deal of thought. I’m wondering if it is the fear or the thing behind it: The knowledge that You own me and can do whatever You wish with me.

I know it was, in fact, You exercising Your ownership of me when I struggled with asking for the shocker, that was incredibly erotic and had me all wet and bothered. Pussy and brain were vehemently opposed. Being property, being Yours, won. I believe it always will.

Today I am grateful for: better living through pharmaceuticals
Today’s funny moment: Sitting with LM in a treatment room waiting for the doctor “There I go again” (He said this with a heavy sigh) “What’s wrong, Bud?” “Nothing, Mom. It’s another erection.”
Sad moment: The decline of my back with housework
Protocol: n/a
Water: 5 liters
Corset: not worn – back pain
Hood: n/a


I’ve been thinking about the amazing balance of Our last playtime. I don’t know how You managed it. I don’t recall You having done it in quite that way before. I felt that I was a human see-saw. One side pain, the other side pleasure. Flog flog flog until the pain side very nearly hit ground and then pleasure pleasure pleasure until that nearly outbalanced the pain … back and forth and up and down We went.

What’s funny about this is my internal dialogue. I have somehow gotten it into my head that when I figure out what You’re doing, that I can prevent my body from reacting and, in this case, flipping to the other side of the see-saw. You know me so well, and are so damned persistent, that even if I can manage to alter my reaction for a minute or two You consistently find a way to push me out of my head back into solid sensation.

I love that there is nothing I can do to control Our play. Even when I think I have it figured out, You are still the one doing the driving. In hindsight, I am amused that I continue to try, as if it would ever change … as if We would ever want it to.

Today I am grateful for: productivity
Today’s funny moment: That’s no way to create the next generation. Humans coming out of other humans. It’s like some sort of dirty magic show.
Sad moment: Liar liar pants on fire
Protocol: n/a
Water: 4 liters
Corset: 24.5 am, 24 pm
Hood: 1 hour

Still Pushing

I keep revisiting the clamps with which You began Our play. I revisit the clamps and something You said after the fact about leaving them on even though they were, as always, extremely painful. I experience them easily as a 6 or 7, albeit highly localized.

I loathe those things. I have been quite vocal about that fact. Experiencing them for as long as I did did not change my mind. If anything, my opinion has been confirmed. I adore that You did what You wanted to do with me in spite of how I reacted. I do not ever want to drive a scene. My reactions are naked honesty. I have not, nor will I ever, “play act” a response in an attempt to top from the bottom.

I dispensed with safe words a long time ago, regardless of the type of play (no limits session, public play, etc.) Pain never killed anyone. I don’t enjoy the pain. I do enjoy the challenge it presents. I trust that You know me, my body, and how I react well enough at this point that I don’t need to say anything.The obvious disclaimer here is that if something odd is going on I of course inform You.

What I’m trying to say, in a round about way, is thank you. Thank you for continuing to push, for never letting me get comfortable, for not allowing Our play to have a predictable routine, for still having the ability to scare the bejeezus out of me. Thank you for being You. Thank you for shoving me further into who I am.

I can’t get enough of playing with You. I don’t ever want to stop.

Today I am grateful for: Robitussin
Today’s funny moment: How do you meet a swan?
Sad moment: Nope. It’s not allergies.
Protocol: n/a
Water: 5 liters
Corset: n/a – sick
Hood: n/a – sick